Happy new year!

Tis a day that brings us one day closer to our impending doom! And with that, I bid you all a step towards death. The reality of this situation and the irony of our predicament doesn't escape me.

We're a little bad, yes, but it's just how we swing.
Sometimes, the world seems to fall apart, you know?
It's like, some sort of fairytale we're living;
There's always that 'happily ever after,'
Happy people, happy days, round and round
Ashes to ashes, and we all fall down.
Cause, you know, don't be afraid to go on a wild goose chase.
What do you think wild geese are for, anyways?
Our lives are social whirlwinds, a dance of life and death,
And sometimes, there's this person you like,
But they don't like you, and it makes you sad,
And to be honest, you didn't like them that much anyways,
But you know you're lying to yourself, until they say something;
And you remember why you don't really like them.
And it might be the other way around,
But you can't really tell who likes you, because it's just that hard.
And instead, you try playing this game of life,
Over and over, day by day you struggle through the crowds,
trying to find your way,
It's like a story book, but one of those ones
Where you have no idea what's happening,
Because the pictures are all jumbled
And nothing seems to be in order,
And the story sucks, and you think
'The author must have been on crack'
Or something like that.
But the truth is, you know that it's yourself that's been dying slowly,
And growing more used to this everyday monotony,
Waking, working, sleeping, living,
And life seems worthless now, but you keep on living, for whatever.
Please the people, please yourself,
One day, near the end, you'll look back and find yourself at the start.
Because, you know, life and death are the two sides of the same string.
Then you start remembering all the things you did, and some things,
They can make you smile, and other things, they make you cry.
And it's the same thing when you reach the end of a really good story,
And you feel really sad that it's over.
But some people, they're kind of happy, because, you know,
They had a sucky, crappy, fucked-up life,
So they're glad it's finally over. But then they realize,
That they're lying again, and it's not really that bad to live.
We sit back, watch TV, with great shows like 'Friends' and you know,
We wish sometimes our lives were perfect, fairytale lives, like on TV,
Or in good books, but like we said before,
We know our lives are really crappy, like bad stories that are all screwy,
But you know, you don't wanna try anything new or adventurous,
Cause people like that get locked up in padded rooms,
Strapped into straitjackets, biting their lips off,
Or are dead.
Which is really weird, because in fairytales, there's always some sort of danger,
But we want it without the danger, and just the happy ending.
Life is either a daring adventure story, or nothing,
We can see nothing as a miracle, or everything as a miracle,
Or something along those lines.
Cause you can walk down the dirty, grey, smoggy streets,
With these soulless people walking next to you,
And live in this weird, fucked-up world of monotony and bleakness,
And complain about everything, because the world is really ugly.
Or you can take the time to sort of look at the world in a different way.
But really, in the end, it's up to you.
Cause no one will live forever,
Well, at least not until they come up with that weird cryonics thing,
Or a magic potion of everlasting life, like in those video games and movies.
But you know, until then, we're the living dead.
And it's going to come faster than we expect, which is kinda sad.
So we have to make our lives a fairytale, while it lasts.
And, you know, we go to school,
And it's really fucked-up, and our parents will say it's a privilege,
But you don't feel like it, and you sleep in lectures,
Or fuck about in class, and feel like your brain is gonna explode.
And then you hang out with your friends after class,
And talk about music, or people, or the new video games coming out,
And sometimes, you can be really mean and gossip about people,
Which is sorta natural, cause they might deserve it,
And then you go home, and do some homework, but you get distracted,
And eventually end up on Facebook, or Myspace, or MSN, or wherever;
Then you go to sleep, glad another day is done,
But then again, that means you're one day closer to dying.
And you didn't do anything that great.
In fact, it was kinda bad.
And some people promise themselves they'll do something,
And they even write it down in the little agendas they carry,
But they forget, and some of those things screw everything up,
Like dates, or tests, or handing in papers,
And then they regret it, and life changes for the worse,
And sometimes, those people break open windows and jump out,
Or hurl themselves off cliffs,
Or go out and massacre a crowd.
Life isn't weird, but it's just the people in it,
And the world isn't screwed up, it's just the people in it.
Some people like us, we like some people,
But sometimes, people act on instinct,
And things get all screwed up, and then people get hurt,
And relationships aren't the same, and people fly by others,
Like those little paper airplanes we used to make way back,
And eventually, we just die, and then we're seriously screwed.
Cause we realize our lives have been as short and pointless,
As those little fruit flies we swat at,
Or ants, where they live every day exactly the same,
And work for the improvement of the hive.
Like the human hive, swarming puddles of people everywhere,
Just mindless like ants, trying to make the world a better place,
But really, not doing that much,
And then they die.

And we realize one day,
That we're just a little odd.

How to write a Chemistry Midterm:

1. Go in expecting to fail. It's not like you can really memorize 8 chapters. That way, you'll be happy with whatever mark you get.

2. Read over the test carefully. Select questions you know the answers to, and leave them for last so you won't leave the test feeling like a moron.

3. If a question is multiple choice, and one of the answers includes or involves Krypton, choose that one and pray Superman saves you.

4. If you reach a true or false question, always select false. Never EVER trust chemistry.

5. Just remember: when in doubt, make it complicated. If you are confused about a question, the right thing to do is to write down EVERYTHING YOU KNOW. This may not be much, but it'll look complicated and like you did a lot of work. Then your teacher might give you part marks, if you're lucky.

6. Always select the answer with the most complicated sounding name. Teachers love Potassium Hydrogensulphate.

7. If it has OH in it, it's probably a base. I don't know what this means, but that's what people told me.

8. If you have no hope left, finish the test as fast as possible, then loiter around the classroom looking smug. You'll make everyone else feel stupid and nervous, then hope they screw up enough to raise the bell curve.

9. Always tell your friends the test was 'easy' for the same reason as above. Plus you get to have a good laugh at their expense when they go in feeling confident and come out like the fail train hit them.

10. If everything else fails, prepare to do some 'favours' if you catch my drift. I don't do that thing personally, but hey, whatever works for you.

Hope this helps people. Good luck with that.

I hate working! I wanna write chapter 3, finish my map and play some guitar, not study some shit about friction and circular motion and 'what if a monkey falls out of a tree at blah blah etc etc'

Graduation in October?

Well, I do have to admit it was nice seeing all my friends again. It was a little depressing though, considering that I probably won't see some of them ever again. And on the other hand, a little liberating, because I'm finally rid of all of those asshats that made HS a social and psychological ruin for me.

I love my friends so much, and I already miss them. Sigh.

I paid money for that grad shit. No fucking way I'm missing it.

In other news, instant noodles are 50 cents at Keyes. That's my breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next few months.

I saw this on Shani's blog on my newsfeed so I decided to do it too!

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't make sense.
You'll be surprised though.

How am I feeling today?
It's Going Down - Xecutioners

Will I get far in life?
We Will Become Silhouettes - The Postal Service

How do my friends see me?
This Suffering - Billy Talent

Where will I get married?
Distraction - Apocalyptica

What is my best friend's theme song?
Brand New Low - Treble Charger

What is the story of my life?
I will follow you into the Dark - Deathcab

What was high school like?
Under a Killing Moon - Thrice

How can I get ahead in life?
Prayer - Disturbed

What is the best thing about me?
Adam's Song - Blink 182

What was today like?
The Unforgiven - Metallica

What is in store for this weekend?
Weak and Powerless - A Perfect Circle

What song describes my parents?
Crash Course in Brain Surgery - Metallica

How is my life going?
Wherever I may Roam - Metallica

What song will they play at my funeral?
State of Love and Trust - Pearl Jam

How does the world see me?
Imaginary - Evanescence

Will I have a happy life?
One Step Closer - Linkin Park

What do my friends really think of me?
The Dark Canuck - The Tragically Hip

Do people secretly lust after me?
Concerning Hobbits - LOTR Soundtrack

How can I make myself happy?
In Hiding - Pearl Jam

What should I do with my life?
All or None - Pearl Jam

What will my children be like?
Symphony 9 - Beethoven

What will you name them?
The God that Failed - Metallica

What will the person you marry be like?
1/2 Full - Pearl Jam

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Tiny Vessels - Deathcab

Will you have a fulfilling life?
Imagine - John Lennon

Who are we?
We are the dead. Those soulless spirits that walk and talk in vain; working, living, dying for an unknown cause, and worth nothing at all.

Who are we?
We are you, and me, and those around us... the walking wounded.


THE RUNE OF ST. PATRICK
At Tara today in this fateful hour
I place all Heaven with its power,
And the sun with its brightness,
And the snow with its whiteness,
And fire with all the strength it hath,
And lightning with its rapid wrath,
And the winds with their swiftness along their path,
And the sea with its deepness,
And the rocks with their steepness,
And the earth with its starkness
All these I place,
By God's almighty help and grace,
Between myself and the powers of darkness.

I have noticed something quite... odd, during the last few years. It has always seemed to be that certain friendships are made from convenience, no matter how hard we try to deny it. Sometimes, friends become friends merely to use each other, much like leeches suck the blood of their hosts. Sometimes, it's a one way relationship, and at other times, it becomes a sort of symbiosis. Sadly, the superficiality of the friendship only rises up after need has disappeared.

However, the main point of this post is not to debate the finer points of friendships but rather to set a warning, an alarm if you will. Lately, I have begun to notice that especially in University and post-secondary education, there is a high population of these human leeches. In a frantic, fast-paced world, the easiest way to get something is to take it. And thus, we have evolved, or adapted, to using each other. So, my warning is not to avoid these people, but not to become one yourself. Much worth is put on friendships, and thus the higher two people fly together, the harder it is when they fall.

It's one sad thing to lose a friend you never really had, but it's much sadder to abandon someone who believed in you.

I find life to be as amusing and short-lived as a stone skipping across a pond. We do, of course, have our ups and downs, as does the stone, before sinking into that dark abyss. And like stones, each person differs in the way they skip through life. Some people succumb quickly and sink, while others may bounce back up and continue for quite a long while. What I do find strange, however, is the fact that as more stones sink, it is easier for future stones to go farther, as they merely bounce off of previous stones. And eventually, the whole body of water is filled with stones, which reflects how humans have a strange tendency... to support themselves on the fallen. The number of people who succeed is proportional to the number of those that fail. So for every success that comes to you in your life... remember someone fell to guarantee you that happiness.

They came for the Jews.
I was silent. I am not a Jew.

They came for the Communists.
I was silent. I am not a Communist.

They came for the Unionists.
I was silent. I am not a Unionist.

They came for me.
Everyone was silent.

So. I leave tomorrow.

And when I start a new phase of my life, I end an old one, and because I'll be changing, and the world will be changing, I'd like to thank all of you people, whether you were friend or my enemy, for making me who I am.

And on top of that, I'd wish that we'd see each other again, but the likelihood is that half of you have probably forgotten me already.

The world is going to be a scary place, but if you can smile, then life will seem easier. If you are happy... you should smile. Don't go through life being a robot... live a little. Wake up and go to sleep feeling good about yourself. Don't let your life descend into monotony.

Remember that someone out there cares.

I don't deserve to be happy. That makes me more depressed. So in a way, I'm digging my own grave. Because I'll be trying to be happy, but then I'll just remember...

Do you know what makes me so sad? How easy it is to fake a smile. People like me smile when they're dying, they laugh when their heart breaks, and they crack jokes when everything seems to be going WRONG.

How many people have I seen fall? How many have I made fall? Do I deserve happiness when those who truly deserve it have missed that?

Every night, I look up and wish upon a star, every birthday I blow out those candles and wish... I wish that this world would just let me go. I wish they were no need for people like me.

GODDAMN FUCK FUCK FUCK ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I am almost free. Please don't let me die... I have so much to do... so much to live for. I hate this life, but I still want to live it...

We're all like toy soldiers. We crack, we break, we fall, we dent, we serve our purpose, and then like every other old toy, we're thrown away, worth nothing more than a small scrap of tin and metal. All our lives, all our memories are wasted away in this stinkhole of a life, and when we die, who will remember? All memories fade with age, and one day, there'll come a time when NO ONE will remember you. You can pick life... but why would you want to do that?

Toy Soldiers

How lowly.
How sad.
This broken child,
Like a dropped toy,
Responds slowly,
Acts without meaning,
And falls apart quickly,
After which he is
Taken and thrown away,
No longer useful
To anyone.

Sorry about the lack of updates but I'm writing this huge one on my entire trip, bear with me pls.

On another note, I went to SQ1 today and saw FIVE people I know, plus my friend almost ran into THREE babies. I ate lots of burgers because they were cheap and then I got sick, so bleh.

Last night I was at Aaron's house and we had an adventure when we had to go rescue a friend from her stalker ex-bf. So it was cool. Then we went to Wendy's and made fun of stuff and saw K.C. who thinks I'm crazy AND Napoleon!

I went to Damai again yesterday!

It was awesome, I was with my mom, sister, cousin and uncle. We went swimming in the lagoon, and it was so cool cause we brought along an inner tube, and we just hung out.

I tried to catch some fish too.

But I found out I was much better at catching mosquitoes.

I watched a few movies too. Creep was... creepy... Death Tunnel was scary but yet slightly sexy b/c all the characters were played by women. Shinobi was amazing, maybe one of my favourites, and I Not Stupid Too was just as good as the first one (I not stupid).

Internet connections are down... I'm at my other cousin's house. Might update more if we get it working again...

Okay, my birthday update:

My sister took the Gundam back,

and then I punched her.

Ahahahahahaha

It was such a terrible day, but I should have expected it.

...

It's my birthday. Right now, anyways.

I don't feel any different...

*checks in pants*

Okay, now I know nothing's changed.

We watched Silent Hill last night. Or rather, we tried to. Unfortunately, it was one of those "Guy with movie camera in theater" and Silent Hill is a pretty dark movie, so I couldn't see ANYTHING. The worst is when all I saw was:









and I just heard "AHHH!!! OMG!!! AHHHH!!!" but couldn't see WTF was going on. Ah well, I stopped it; would rather watch it on official DVD...

Aaron... SILENT HILL DAMMIT!

Anyways, at midnight, my cousins and a few other relatives came out with a cake. I'll post up pictures later... I also got a BIG cardboard box which had a lot of little presents inside.

There was also a big, extra-large pair of underwear on top, with a lot of comments from my family. No, I'm not going to wear it. That would be too embarassing. Maybe under my pants is okay.

Onto the gifts:

I opened up the first one. Inside were some games. Which I already owned. In fact, they were my own games. I could tell because one of the cases was empty. Because that game was currently in the CD-ROM drive in the computer.

And the next gift contained... 2 shirts, which looked oddly familiar. Because I wore them last week.

And the one after that, a blanket, which smelled oddly... used.

And after that, two oil-ridden, sweaty shirts belonging to my cousin. He wanted them back.

So that was the extent of most of the gifts. Except there were 2 more hiding under a pile of newspaper.

One was a 1/100 scale Gundam from my sister. Fantastic, Serpent Custom, and it'll keep me unbored for at least a few days.

And the other was an MP4 player. At first I had no idea what it did, but apparently it plays videos, music, radio, can store text files and pictures and a whole lot of other crap. These crazy Chinese... wow.

So my day is just beginning right now. I'll update later with all the fun stuff I did... lol.

I don't know if any of you have noticed, but I have other sections of my blog over there ===>


Check them out if you have time.

If you don't have time, you should check them out when you do have time, because then you will have time to check them out.

That is all.

I never knew orangutans could be so entertaining. And yet so predictable.

My mom came back from Singapore today. She told me her trip was crap.

I went to Damai yesterday. It was amazing.

I have a sunburn, but I don't really care too much.

I'm not bored anymore.

I really don't like my family that much.

Ahaha, I'm NOT EVEN KIDDING.




The trip to the zoo was kinda boring. I was expecting more animals... didn't have the camera :( so I'll have to describe it as best I can. Bear with me.

Crocodiles: Boring.
Turtles: Boring.
Orangutans: Boring AND stupid.
Fish: No, there weren't any fish at the zoo. It was my lunch. It was boring too.

In total, I saw 3 crocs, 5 turtles and 2 orangutans. And that was it. It was really hot out, and these kids were screaming, and the monkeys were screaming back, and JEEZ, I felt like punching someone in the fucking head.

But I restrained myself.

Somewhat.

Anyways, that was the extent of the day. The next day (Monday) was better. We went to Camp Permai, which is a nice little resort off of Damai Lagoon. Then we went swimming (me, sister, uncle).

We caught some fish. They were really, really small. Like those fish you deep fry in massive amounts then serve them as condiments to your Nasi Lemak. My uncle picked one up on his palm and made the poor flopping fish 'hip-hop dance'.

I did it too. It was funny.

Except when one died. We claim it was because my sister screamed so loud when it touched her, that it had a heart attack. Oh well. We gave it a burial at sea.

It was cool, we went swimming in the lagoon, then in a pool (water was FREEZING) and then we went shell collecting! Unfortunately, half of the shells had residents. So we let my sister discover those. Bwahaha...

Anyways, my mom just got back from Singapore... apart from a crazy taxi ride, border trouble, suicidal maniacs and insomnia, it was, to quote, "a bad trip." Whatever. I'm just glad she's back so I don't have to deal with my sister anymore. Ugh.

I'm bored again. Crap.

I went out to breakfast with my sister and uncle just now. I had green noodles... they were nice, if you like eating rope. Going to go to the ZOO later, so just resting until then. Going to be a long, hot walk.

Anyways, we went to a CD store, and checked out some of their warez... not too bad, big collection, but it was sad that they still had a large selection of cassettes. The movies/songs were mostly Malay too. I was walking around when sudden my foot fell into a hole. I really hate open sewers :(

We went to the arcade too and played 'Spot the Difference'. I'm terrible at it.




















I also played Virtua Cop, but I also found out that I can't dual wield :'(

In fact, I can't even shoot straight with one.



Okay, maybe I suck at video games. But I'm very good at 20 questions. I was playing with the handheld version of 20 Qs. I was thinking of a tree. I was sure I could fool the game, but I was wrong.

Game: Question 20 - Is it a liquid?
Me: No.
Game: You... thought... you... were... TRICKY! You are thinking of...
...
...
SOMETHING!
Me: ...wtf?

Oh that damn game, making me think I was so smart when it was obvious that I was thinking of something! Sigh... well, I guess I'm a good-for-nothing. Might as well join my cousin in the orangutan cage :P

It's my birthday on the 23rd! And I'm 18, so I'll be able to... uhm. I have no idea actually. My older friends all tell me becoming an adult is the worst possible thing that can happen to you. You have to be responsible, something I've been avoiding my entire life. But whatever, I guess I'll just work until I die.

Aiya... anyways, bored out of my mind... if I don't find something to do I think I'm going to go on a murder rampage... probably legal here as long as I claim it was holy war or something >.>

Another thing: Malaysian people like to get up EARLY. I'm serious, at 5 AM I already got people chanting at the mosque next door... I might just take myself up on that offer of holy war. My aunties all too concerned about my welfare... waking me soooooo early to feed me breakfast... probably trying to fatten me up for the day when they finally chop me up in my sleep and feed me to my cousins -_-'

The other day I was at the mall and there was a shoe modelling show going on in SP. I'm sure those ladies were wearing nice shoes... somehow, I didn't notice. Must be something wrong with my eyes :S ...keep drifting up :P

My cousin took some photo with his cell phone, but he won't send them to me. I don't think he was taking pictures of the shoes at all! I dunno... maybe he like the design on their shirt, too many pictures of their chest ;) But aiya, he complain too much, say they were all too fat : I think maybe he's gay. Lol, just joking.

Still bored. Going to write some more >.<

Heheh... reading Kenny Sia's blog.

"Tau Keh: Reminds me that time when you used to work in KFC. One customer asked you for "Ayam Goreng", and you thought he said "I am Goreng." Then you said to him "Welcome to KFC, Mr Goreng!" Remember?! WAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

>.> But this guy is so funny he kills me.

You know what I want for my birthday? A car would be nice. Maybe Batmobile. But nah, no one got that kinda of money except Batman.

I want to be Batman :(

But anyways, I think Malaysian culture is affecting my typing -_-' I start leaving out important letters and proper sentence structure already... see what I mean? Also I start putting 'lah' at the end of my sentence :( I hope my stories don't become like this lah.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I want a tattoo but I'm scared >.> It's going to hurt like getting a needle pierced in my... what do you mean that's the point? Heheh, just joking, probably get one of the fake one that come off with water :P Also don't want my kid to come to me and ask me for one too... then maybe I have to teach him not to make the same mistakes ;) Just kidding Nicky, lol, I still think your tattoo(s) is cool lah ^^

Was supposed to go to DAMAI today, but got cancel :'( because my cousin couldn't come. So nice, wish I could drive myself... but too bad these crazy Malaysian drive on the wrong side of the road. But even if I get into an accident, can settle with a little bit of... monetary persuasion. Heheheh.

I want to go to a concert too maybe. Except no crap bands, a good one... dunno when any of them are playing >.> No one comes to Malaysia anyways... the Int' airport is like, 5 hour drive away :( Plus here they have malaria. I only came for the family... I hope they remember that when they try to eat me 0_o

Heheh, my cousin went out with a Ms. Sarawak contestant! Kei, if you're reading this, let me know how it went already :P Ryo show me pictures online @ kennysia... wah, so pretty! Wish I knew some celebrity... but no, only one I know is maybe Katie Lai, and I'm pretty sure she hated me -_-' Lol, well, I know that radio DJ I met today. I don't think I'd like to go out with him though, on account of me not being attracted to big hairy sweaty men like Ryo ;)

Eh... I think maybe this is my longest post so far. If I stay here much longer, I can maybe write my life story :S

My opinion of pirates has raised by 5%.



In other news, it was reported earlier today that I don't like myself very much.

I can't think of anything meaningful to say.

I stayed home and watched movies today. I also played video games.

For someone who writes a story per day, I'm damn inarticulate.

Nothing is happening to me. I am bored beyond wtf.

I'm in Malaysia. It's really cool, but to be honest, I'm getting a little bit bored.

Not to say it hasn't been fun, I've gone out a lot, but now my vacation is taking on a typical, predictable pattern: eat, sleep, shop, repeat.

Anyways, my mom went to Singapore, so me and my sister are stuck behind. But our cousins are taking us to DAMAI LAGOON which is the most awesome resort place I have ever seen. We went once before and it was awesome. Plus we're going to the zoo, and maybe the crocodile farm. So I'll take a lot of pics.

I went and bought myself a pair of shoes for C$5.00, and a bunch of burnt games for about C$1.50 each. Been playing a lot of computer stuff... :( but I got rid of my computer screen suntan and got a real one.

Going to see POTC 2 tonight, looks pretty good for a pirate movie.

Okay, I'm in Malaysia. Plane trip was 30 hours including transit and w/e, so yeah, pretty butt-numbing. Anyways, I just got my hands on a PC, albeit a pretty crappy one (still better than mine). The flight was uneventful, but then again, I was in a flying tin tube 30 000 feet up, so...

Weather here is hot, but the food makes up for it. Spicy though, I ate too much too fast and got sick, so I'm just resting at home. Might go see POTC 2 later, and then just hang out with my 5 billion relatives.

In any case, it's been really cool being back here. This is my real home, I can feel it.

Prom was fun, but it was a little disappointing. It wasn't as flashy and big as I expected. Most of the night was talking and eating, then two hours from the end, we danced, but the songs were a bit unsuited for a formal event. It reminded me more of the Jesus Jam.

Afterwards we wanted to go play pool, but there was an age limit. So we went for Bubble Tea... and 5 of us went back to my place. Sadly, the little party at my house was a bit more eventful than the actual prom.

I'm not saying prom was bad, it WAS a night to remember, but totally not worth the $500 I spent for it.

Grad Breakfast was also pretty sad... to say bye to all the people I've known. Ah well... I got up and said a little speech on the open mike... and then I hugged a bunch of people and by the end, I was pretty happy/sad, happy cause I was leaving, and sad because I was leaving.

Going to Malaysia on Friday, so I'll keep in touch.

I've known you for a good part of my life, and now our time together is ending. But don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. This isn't an end to our friendship, it's just a comma, or the start of a new paragraph. Remember all the good times, and also the bad, because bad memories can also be a blessing. They bring about compassion, caring, and love. Whoever I grow up to be, I want you to know you've played an instrumental part in making me who I am and for that, you'll always be my friend. And whoever you grow up to be, always remember that you have a friend who cares about you. Thanks for everything that you've given me.

It's been 4 long years of good times and bad,
But now it's come to a climax, where all the friends I've made are about to fall away,
And now, I begin anew, a fresh start to my life.

I'm happy. Which makes me sad. Two days left before I lose myself and gain a new identity, before I can start off on new ground, where I can live my own life for once.

Thank you to all my friends, you guys and girls know who you are. You've kept me standing all these years, and no matter what I went through, you all pulled me out of the hole I was in. Thanks to the staff at STFX, especially my teachers and counselors, you've been lenient, generous and there for me when I needed it. And finally, thanks to my family. I'll be somewhat glad to be rid of you, but thanks for all you've done for me.

This is IT. THIS IS THE END. I am off to bigger and better things, but I'll never forget my HS years, because this is where I learned to love, to share, to laugh, to play. Screw Fisher-Price, true life is High School.

You hear about it, but you don't live it, and that disconnects you.

But when you live it, you really live it, and it kills a part of you.

Most tragedies have to be lived before they can be felt.

And most tragedies have to be felt before they can be understood.

You are a Social Moderate (50% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (21% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Very Low
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Low

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The Board is back.

It was pretty hot today, 31 C, so me and my sister decided to go outside for a waterfight with the neighbours. It was really fun, we cooled off a lot and had a good time.

Until I slipped and fell. I basically shredded my hand, and landed with my hand bent towards my wrist, so my tendons are really hurting right now. It wasn't too bad except for a sharp pain when I moved my fingers, but I decided to go in to get a bandage for the bleeding, and maybe some rubbing alcohol because the ground was pretty dirty. It's a lot more purple than it looks in the picture, plus I got some bruises on the other side.


So I opened the front door, but decided I didn't want to get the floor wet, as my mom would probably yell at me. So I called her and asked if she could get me a bandage, because I hurt myself pretty bad, and I'm serious, these were her exact words:

"That's your problem, not mine."

And I went back outside with my hand bleeding, until the blood refused to stop (I guess it was because of the water or w/e, my skin was pretty wet and clammy) and I went back in to get a bandage. My friends weren't too shocked. It happens pretty often, I mean, my mom being a complete...

Sigh. I... I'm really really disappointed and frustrated. I hate this life, and the only thing keeping me alive is the hope that I'll get to move into residence at the end of the summer.

Relay for life was really cool. I didn't have a ride, so I walked to school and arrived at about 5:45. I registered, got a shirt, and went to buy drinks. Our room was awesome, I brought a bunch of movies and we watched V for Vendetta, played cards, ate pizza, chips, drank Barg's...

We started running at about 7:00. It was really wet outside, so for the first three hours we ran indoors. Our team was scheduled, so every 2 hours, a pair would run for 30 minutes, so we always had 2 people on the track. Battle of the Bands was playing too. Many bands were really good, but the one that stood out was the teacher band, which included the music teachers and various other teachers that could play instruments. They played a number of songs, the last one ending with Mr. Vespa playing a 3-minute long drum solo. It was incredible.

The run was amazing too. Outside, when night fell, the stars were shining down on us, and the track was laid out in the parking lot, encircling the word 'HOPE.' We ran around, looking at all the luminaries. It was inspiring to see all the lights, because each represented a wish for the future. My team was really supportive, and we took so many pictures, especially of me doing 'Ninja' things.

There were activities like tug o' war and a dance, along with games, movies and a lot of other fun things to do. But I think the best part of the night is when a bunch of us got sleeping bags and lay under the stars in the middle of the E in HOPE. I actually fell asleep... Marco, Andrea, Maria, Katrina, Angelo, Basil, Westley, Alex, Leanne and Quynh were there too. It was so cool, just to look up and to be with our friends.

Running, watching movies, eating snacks and having a good time, I was still saddened because so many people were lost to cancer, or affected by it. But so many people are running for someone, and even if the fight is lost, we can learn from our loss and have hope for the future.

A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of hungry people sat around a huge pot of cooking stew. Everyone in the room was famished, desperate, starving. Each person held a spoon that reached the pot but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arms that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.

"Come now, I will show you heaven" the Lord said. They entered a room identical to the first, the big pot of stew, the group of people and the same long-handled spoons. But here everyone was happy and well nourished.

"I don't understand" said the man. "Why is everyone happy here and miserable in the other room? Everything is the same."

The Lord smiled. "Ah, it is simple," he said, "Here, they have learned to feed each other."

It was a good day today until I drove to work.

My mom doesn't trust me. We were driving to my workplace, because my mom is standing in for my boss, who's on vacation. I was driving. The guy in front of me braked, so I braked too, but apparently, my mom thought I had braked too late and started ragging on me about how much I suck. So she refused to send me home after work and I had to take a bus. I had to walk back into the Kumon center, trying hard not to look upset. Everyone asked me why I was back and I just said, "My mom ditched me and told me to take a bus."

And the look of open-mouthed omg-how-could-she-be-so-mean shock on their faces... I had to try hard to control myself because I almost swore at the unfairness of my life. I mean... I don't think I'm a bad kid. So why does my mom threaten me, hit me and mock me constantly? I've run away countless times, I've jumped out my window, I've spent HOURS gazing at knives... I need to get away before I kill someone.

You may not agree with me, I don't think I'm that bad of a kid... to deserve shit happening to me constantly. It was a good day until up to that point. Then everything fell apart. I have... so much to do that I need the car for, and now...

A random stranger gave me a bus transfer so I could get home, and Joanne walked with me to the bus stop. The kindness of friends and strangers over family.

My last concert...

I'm happy and sad at the same time, happy because no more band practice, but sad because band had so many memories for me. I'm leaving behind 'the croaking noise' 'WA!' 'NEVILLE MANT!' 'Ping Pong' and all the things that made band endurable. I'm also leaving behind my friends, and also the music I've lived with for the past four years.

It was fun while it lasted, but it's time to move on. Not that I'm too happy about that.

The concert itself was good. I was the official tuner, lol, so I had to run up and down flights of stairs. Somehow, I also became an errand boy, running and getting folders for people. But the best part was 'Thriller' when we put down the giant PHANTOM poster. Here's me and John posing next to it:

I wish I could've seen the look on Neville Mant's face when he saw this. It was a night to remember. Our last concert of high school, before we all move on to different things. Time to say bye to my trombone. Bye to my friends. Teachers. Jokes, traditions, obscure rituals, 'experiments' and everything else. Goodbye music.

So there I was, hiding around the corner, rubber band in hand. And Joe comes around and I shoot him right in the eye! Into the pupil! And he fell down and grabbed his eye and rolled around and said he was gonna kill me.

Even though there were so many kids on Friday, Saturday made up for it completely.

"I'm sorry. I'm not interested in that kind of Brokeback love." - Nelson

I try to do things, but sometimes when the outcome is different than I expect, what can I do? there's a point of no return. Not everything can be fixed, not everything can be put to rights. Consequences unforeseen, shit does happen, and when it does, I always wonder if I did anything wrong, if I could have said something different...

I regret a lot of things I've done. Guilt, regret, pain, despair... I have to come to peace with myself for many things I've done. But it's hard when the chance has passed for redemption. Where can I go for peace? When the outcome is different than I expected, there is always a hanging, nameless blame over my head, for what I did, and what I said.

The times I wanted to apologize, for all I've ever done to hurt someone, but never did. The times I wanted to tell my friends how much they mean to me, but never did. And if, God forbid, anyone leaves this world, how can I get that chance back? Life is too short, and people flicker in and out, and no matter who you are, death will find you one day.

I've always tried to save others, even at my own expense. But what happens when I fail? Could I have done or said something wrong? Could I have changed the outcome, changed fate? Maybe I pushed too much. Maybe I didn't push enough. What do I say? How can I be sure I don't push anyone off the edge with my words and actions?

Tell the people you care about that they mean so much to you. Tell your family you love them, Tell your enemies you forgive them. Live every day like it's your last, because a lot can happen between today and tomorrow.

I'M SOOOOO HAPPY!

Just joking.

Our robotics team got 4th out of 21. Well, it was 5th, but we tied with the other team, so I'd say we deserve 4th.

It was a fun day. I learned a lot about robotics, and also the creative, innovative ideas that other teams came up with. The goal was robot 'basketball' and the wide range of robots was amazing.

There were robots with catapults, robots with forklifts, robots with cranes, robots with arms, robots with pumps... it was awesome. I really enjoyed watching these robots in action. It was cool to see each team's creativity and unique spirit they brought to the arena.

The teams that beat us were really good. The only thing that irritated me was that if we gotten LOWER in the first rounds, we would have stood a better chance at the gold. It was just the arrangement of teams that was messed up.

The winning robot, named "THE TANK" was a plastic-armored, pneumatic-driven monster. It used a pneumatic arm to pick up the ball and then dunk it into the net, shooting up 6 feet in mere seconds. It was cool, but you could see the idea was a bit unoriginal and simple. On top of that, Mr. Lewis estimated the cost of the robot to be around $5000, as the pneumatics were probably $2000 by themselves. So we got beat by a rich school, while our robot was made from junkyard trash and scavenged parts. It was depressing. I guess money is everything.

The second place robot we nicknamed "Home Hardware" as the robot was sponsored by the company and featured a big red logo on the side. They had an awesome idea for their robot. It had a small hole in front where the ball would roll into. Then two small 'doors' would swing down and lock the ball inside. When they approached the net, an arm would swing down and the doors would open to allow it entry. It would fit neatly inside, scoop the ball up, and dunk it in. It was a marvel of engineering.

The third place robot was very similar to ours, but a lot smaller, expensive and faster. It was the fastest robot there, and we named it "Speedy." It had a forklift style idea, but theirs was tilted foward, allowing the arm to clear the rim with room to spare. We thought they would win, but unfortunately, their arm broke down halfway through their round, leaving them stranded. It was a cool robot, but not very sturdy.

All in all, the competition was rough, but the day was fun. That was the end of the line for us, but good luck to Tank for the nationals. If they win, at least we can say "We lost to the national champion."

Are you going to give me a chance to die before you kill me?

Even if you're the stupidest, ugliest, most utterly moronic kid on the planet, you'll look cool with a set of car keys in your hand. It's social physics.

I'm going to get so fat. Dammit. I feel so damn FAT. Everytime I pass a fast food restaurant, I have to go in and order something. Just because I can.

And work is fun too. I love hanging out with my coworkers, they're awesome and actually pay attention to me (sometimes)! I'd like to make enough money to move out of the cardboard box I'm living in at the moment.

School is okay, I haven't heard from UW yet, so I'm on the edge of writing them a plea. But I'll hold off on it until I'm really desperate. Maybe end of May. Homeworking is at an all-time low. I don't even have to pretend I'm doing homework, because I don't have any.

I picked up "Left Behind." It's all about the Rapture (see previous post). I guess YFC really affected me in the way I see and discuss my faith now. Check out the last few posts for details, but the book was amazing. I finished it in 2 periods, and now I'm working on the second one.

Anyways, I have work tomorrow, and driving class after that. So I'd better be going to sleep. But before I go...

Did you ever wonder what happens when you make a wish? Perhaps, in truth, your wish won't come true. But the act of you making a wish ensures that someone else's wish becomes a reality.

"I wish I had a new car!" *flicks coin into fountain* "Nothing..."

Elsewhere:

"The cancer is in remission. I don't understand, it's like our wish has come true!"

Oh right, also forgot one thing too. I had a big, long conversation on the Rapture today in Data Management.

To start from the top, this will be a lecture, so ready your mind to be blown.

The Rapture is a Christian belief that at the Apocalypse, all good people will be taken to Heaven to be with God. Millions around the world will just disappear. Then the Apocalypse will happen, ie. Four hoursemen, mark of the beast, war, death, whatever.

Sounds far-fetched? Well, check out the evidence:

-Water is becoming the most precious commodity in the world. Predicted by prophets, water will become rarer than oil. With the melting of the polar ice caps and the pollution in our bodies of freshwater, suitable drinking water is becoming scarcer and scarcer. Our cars will soon run on water, replacing oil and gasoline. In the near future, water will become as expensive as oil. You have been warned.

-Nostradamus predicted when the 'dark Pope' is in power, the AntiChrist will rise. Look at the last papal election. A black Pope was a prime candidate. This isn't a racist comment, it's just that Nostradamus' prophecies were known to be accurate but also very mystical and confusing. By 'dark' he could have meant 'black' and with a very good chance of a black Pope being elected soon, the world may be coming to a close.

-The world is heading towards unity. This may seem like a good thing. But it's foretold, not just in the Bible, that this new united world order will be ruled by one man. Look at the facts. Currency is heading towards a single world coin, just look at the Euro for proof. In the future, we'll be united under one government, ruled over by who many speculate may be the AntiChrist. If you've ever heard of Babel, then you know what I mean.

-New technology has made it possible to eliminate the need for paper cash and even credit cards. Engineers and scientists have invented a new chip that can be implanted under your skin that will act as your I.D., credit card, housekey, whatever you can think of. You just scan it and the proper funds will be deducted, your door will open, etc. Soon, everyone will have this chip implanted in them. Here's a link: http://www.greaterthings.com/News/Chip_Implants/index.html
A chip, representing a "United World Order." It's the mark of the Beast, 666.

-This is the one that really blew me away: A friend, whose father is an air traffic controller, told me that all major airlines are now hiring one Christian pilot and one Non-Christian pilot. The reasoning behind this? It's in case the Rapture takes place during a flight. The non-Christian pilot will need to land the plane safely, in the event his partner disappears.

-Also predicted is war in the Holy land, or Israel/Palestine. Look at the conflict between these two nations. People are dying for what they believe is "Holy."

I'm not becoming a Doomsayer. But after discussing the proofs in class, I'm getting a little worried that one day, millions will just disappear, and then...

Wow.

I am speechless. I was at Youth for Christ all weekend, and it was awesome. Truly one of the best times in my entire life.

I have to start from the beginning. At first, when Nicole invited me (to whom I owe my everlasting thanks) I was sorta skeptical. I've been to some prayer groups, or church meetings, and most of them were either really weird or really boring. So I just tagged along because I figured I might meet new people.

Well, I was SOOOOO wrong. YFC was amazing, awesome, like a camp and a rock concert and church mixed into one. I had a lot of fun, we played games, listened to music, hung out, burnt stuff...

Most of what they said I've heard before, but it wasn't boring. To me, it wasn't a new stage in my beliefs but rather a confirmation of those beliefs. I loved watching tough-ass gangsters break down and cry like babies. So awesome.

It was a revelation, a rejuvenation. I can't stop smiling, it was that great. Everyone should go to YFC. It was the best use of $55 I can think of.

We laughed, we cried... we laughed again.

Sigh.

When it ends, I end.

I never meant for things to go this way.

I always thought I could make it. I never imagined that I would give in, that I would fail to control myself. I gave in to my inner wants and needs. I did what I wanted, not what I should have done. I failed myself.

Don't start thinking I'm talking about my life. I mean Magic Cards.

I promised myself I wouldn't play Magic until I was accepted into a university. I have failed. Not only did I play M:tG, I went out and bought more cards, something I promised myself I would refrain from.

Sadly, I still lost every game. But one day...

Okay, now I can start talking about my life.

I need to beg, plead, grovel. I want to go to Waterloo. I need to go there. My cousins have gone to Waterloo. If I fail now, it'll confirm my lack of genetic stability and prove that I'm a freak. Maybe I'm overreacting. But considering I spent my study time playing CARDS... I think I have a right to flip out.

If anyone has a solution...

Sometimes, people make me reel in disgust.

How could you do that? To me, to your friends? Every moment I breathe, every step I take, every second of every day, I will constantly, always think about what you did to me.

My life isn't mine. I live for others. Everything I do, is for the people I care about. So don't hate me for what I do. It's not my choice. It's to make someone happy. You might not know them, but they exist. There are people that I sacrifice for. It's not my life I'm living, I've given my life up to help those that need me.

I'll call people you don't approve of. Don't hate me for it. It's not for me. It's to make those kids, the ones that stay at home with nowhere to go, it's to make them happy.

I'll do things that may seem strange to you. Don't hate me for it. It's to help someone that may be hurt. Or at home crying. Something I have to do.

I'll say things that may seem stupid to you. don't hate me for it. Those words are serious to me. You might not realize it, but the things I say reflect the world that I see.

I won't hate you for what you did to me. But I'll hate you for what you did to yourself.

Who am I talking to? Look into a mirror.

OMG! WE BEAT SILENT HILL 2!

Yeah, that's my part. Check out Red Essence (http://redessence.blogspot.com) to find the details.

It was excellent. Really cool. But we got the suicide ending. Not bad, just an easy ending to get.

Now I need to see that movie.

It's Good Friday today.

I went to church, 3:00 Mass. I had to stand at the back because there were so many people.

The amount of people there... it was staggering. It took 15 minutes just to serve Communion. I was truly inspired by the devotion these people had to Christ...

Not really.

Let's face the facts. How many people showed up today? I'm going to assume around 1000 people. Now, how many people show up for Sunday Mass? Not many. Why bother showing up for Jesus' funeral if you never knew him for his entire life?

Let me use an example. You visit your friend in the hospital. She's pregnant with her first child. The baby is born, and you go to the baby shower. It's a lot of fun, and you really enjoy yourself.

Then, you never talk to that friend again. You never see her kid again. Then, one day, as you're walking down the street, a car comes out of nowhere. You think you're going to die, you can see that the driver's face is tight with horror. You scream.

Then, suddenly, someone pushes you hard from behind. The car hisses past you, barely missing you, but instead, it strikes whoever it is that saved you. You turn around, and it's the child of your old friend, grown up now, but dead.

The funeral is the next day. You show up.

Now here's where the story will take a turn. You might cry for the kid. You might tell everyone what a good life he lead, even though you were never in his life. Or, you might talk on your cell phone. Or tell jokes to your friends you see there. Or chew gum. Or sleep.

What a disgrace. People show up for Good Friday Mass, some of whom never come to Mass any other day, and they chew gum, sleep, talk on the phone, play games, tell jokes...

It makes me sick to think what this world has come to. Don't you people get it? This guy DIED for you, and you show up at his funeral chewing gum with a big smile on your face. Do you really think his dad will ever let you into his house again? Do you think his dad will even like you? Or would the dad throw you out of the place and tell you never to come back?

I wonder if God wants to do that. His son sacrificed himself for all of us. The least we can do is be respectful during his funeral.

I'd just like you to know I'd walk in darkness so you can live in light.

When the sun hides its face,
And the moon takes its place,
I'll meet you in the land of dreams...

Excerpt from "The Hollow Men"
Between the idea
And the reality
Between the emotion
And the act
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Lies the Shadow.

-T.S. Eliot

Ah crap.

I need to get into university. Really, really badly, for my life's sake. I'm a few percent under cutoff, so I'm praying really hard right now for my teachers to save me.

A winner is me.

Albeit a hollow win.

God said "Let there be light!"And Darkness was born.

Did God, in His infinite wisdom, realize that when He created light, darkness came into being? Did He know that creating life would lead to death? Joy to sorrow? Hope to despair?

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Even God has to obey His own rules.

But in a world filled with darkness, death, sorrow, and despair, I know there's one thing that I can count on to make me happy.

And that's Free Colonge, Bubble Tea, Whale Testicles, Brushing Teeth, Timmadog, Steel Balls of Steel, Hamsters with Bellpepper-legs, and Food from Children.

To tell you the truth, I would glady sacrifice my nuts in the name of science.

It's a rare day that people will spend with God. Strange to think about, but many people go about their daily lives, not even going to mass once a week and forgetting who put us here.

People, in church, chewing gum, listening to music, going out of tradition or habit or fear of the divine, but not really there for God, no, but rather to save themselves. Walk around, most of the population is ignorant of God. Look at the number of crimes, the number of horrors commited, behind the curtains, and you'll get a taste of the true nature of the world.

But today, 500 students gave up a day for Jesus. Perhaps they just want to get out of class, or merely dance with their friends... but it was an effort, a sacrifice, perhaps not an honest one, but a day to appreciate God.

I'm a terrible hypocrite: I went merely because it was my last year and I wanted to go at least once. But I had fun. A rare thing for me, to really have fun, but with my friends all around me, my shirt soaked, sweaty people pressing in all around, loud deafening music... Heh. It sounds really gross, but I had a lot of fun.

So thanks a lot to all of you people who were at the JJ, I owe one day of fun to you.

I could be killing you right now.

You could be killing yourself.

Or you might already be dead.

The actions and decisions you make now could affect your life forever. A scene in the future: You're sitting in a wheelchair, remembering the past. A thought comes to mind, "I remember that post I read, a long time ago. What a strange post." And right then, a heart attack will strike you down from the stress caused by thinking that very thought.

Just by reading this, you may have sealed your own fate. Or a joke you heard the other day, remembered in the far future when your heart isn't so strong, might kill you. Or even the thought of an old friend might be your downfall.

Anything you do could lead to your death. Nowhere is safe. Time flows, and you with it, and when it reaches your stop, you have to get off. It's inevitably set from our births. You may have already made that fatal error, already done something that will cause you to die. You'll never know, at least not conciously. You might have a strange, foreboding horror deep within your mind, a product of divine inspiration and foresight, that predicts your death.

So if this kills you, I'm sorry. But it had to be done, and it was inescapable.

It's always on you. Take a look down the rabbit hole and you'll see it looking back. Yeah, the big red eye. It's a little scary if you don't know what it is. But hey, that's what you're for right? Don't be confused. Don't be scared. You're just looking at yourself in a different light.

Take the red pill. Take the blue pill. It doesn't make too much of a difference. The world is a mirror, but you have to be careful not to break it. You could have 7 years of bad luck. And watch out for those shadows lurking behind the curtains. They're not who you are, and you're not who they are. Just be wary of the ones who walk where shadows grow. If you try to pull back the curtain, if you attempt to glimpse the unthinkable... Your eyes, your eyes aren't your own anymore. They absorb the horror, the shadow, the darkness, and then, all of a sudden, when you look into the mirror, those aren't your eyes. They're someone else's eyes, in your head. And make sure you don't break the mirror. Because eyes full of horror will break anyone, even if they're your own.

The eternal conflict: Good and Evil, Day and Night, Mind and Body, Life and Death, White and Black, Love and Hate... We're all born to die, and the walk in the light makes the darkness seem all that much darker.