FUCK

I cannot control my own body, I can't control my actions or my words, and I don't know what I'm doing. I can't let myself be happy, I can't relax, I can't even calm down, I just mentally flail and writher in wild desperation. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know who I'm doing it to. I have all my inner voices arguing, each wanting different things, so that I do one thing and regret it afterwards, or I do nothing and want it so badly that it feels like a hand clenching my heart. I don't know what I'm doing. I have never been this confused in my life. I'm too nice and too bad at the same time, and everything I do pleases one side but depresses the other, so that whether I JUST DO IT or hold back I'm unhappy either way. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't control myself.

Choices

Recently I've tried to change - now hold up while I explain before you call me a hypocrite for my last post.

I used to be a paradox. I buried my feelings behind a goofy exterior and laughed a lot, acted like an idiot, and so on, just to blend in with the 'normals' in society. But all the anger I packed away inside me, locked in a mental cage, just pulsating underneath the happy facade. It'd leak out at times, in morbid quips that I tried my best to control, at times.

My outlet was my writing. I wrote to release all this hate stored in my body, like a garbage bin empties out into a dump. Everything I wrote had a seed of darkness, feeding the drama and making it real.

Nowadays, I've punctured a hole in that barrier - the darkness flows out, making me irritable and easily upset. In turn, my internal reservoir has been depleted, making it harder for me to find things to write about. On top of that, I've been less willing to put up with certain things that I was tolerable of in the past, namely the behavior of people around me.

Here's the double edge. I can stay as I am - a blend of light and dark, vulnerable to that very human emotion called anger, but ultimately real - or I can go back, and cage the dark passenger riding in the backseat, hiding away my rage but showing the world a false face. Not to consider the effects of either choice on my writing, or my tolerance of people who tend to hurt me.

Choice 1
Stay as I am now-
Pros:
Full range of emotion
Ability to push away people who hurt me
No pent-up feelings
Cons:
Hurting people
Lack of writing ability
Frequent moodiness

Choice 2
Go back to before-
Pros:
Writing is better
Friendly towards everyone
Better at helping others
Cons:
More buried feelings
Sense of loneliness
Being 'fake'

Sometimes I hate myself a lot for being so dramatic.

Armored Hearts

I'm going insane. I'm under so much stress right now.

A lot of things have recently upset me. I've been losing friends left and right, because they're no longer the people I knew. Either they've changed, or I've gotten to know certain aspects of them that I no longer feel the need to connect with. So snip, cut, and goodbye friendship, you have been pruned from the tree.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm constantly struggling to find a way to rid my mind of these people, but it's impossible. Unfortunately, it's always the people I love the most that end up hurting me the greatest. Maybe it's because I've opened my heart to them, exposing my vulnerable side, and trusting that they won't hurt me - and of course, they inevitably do.

Every time I try to form a meaningful relationship with someone, they end up killing parts of me. It's slowly poisoning me against trying to find a girlfriend, since every time I show my heart it gets stabbed. I'm learning that the world is harsher than I imagined. I love a girl and she ends up killing me.

I'm building armor for myself. Padding my heart with steel, until nothing can hurt me again. But a heart caged can't beat freely. I don't know what to do.

You Can't Outrun Truth

I can't stand people and every day I'm reminded of that fact.

Why can't people just accept life? It's like they're constantly trying to deny the truth and in the process preventing themselves from fixing their problems, because they don't even comprehend that a problem exists.

Otherwise, they run and hide. Under a coat of falsities, they pretend everything is fine, that the world and life are okay. Running from the truth, hiding the truth from others, putting on a false face.

You need to accept the change in your life. You can't just run, or hide from the fact that things have changed, and that the entire paradigm of your life has shifted. You can't escape from the truth. You've changed, and in that changing you've become intolerant of your own behaviour.

Choosing to Live

I failed 4 courses this year, I am raging at my housemates, I worry too much, and everything is falling apart. So I need to do the drastic thing again and say, "Fuck everything" and quit.

I will not worry about school.
I will not worry about girls.
I will not worry about the house.
I will not worry about work.
I will not worry about money.
I will not worry about time.

I will live, love, and survive.