Shades of Gray

BLACK

You know what hurts the most? Wondering that, if I had lived a 'normal' life, could I fit in? I always feel like a backwards piece of the puzzle, like the jigsaw that has holes on the wrong sides and a picture unrelated to the one on the box. It's just the nagging thought that crosses my mind, "If I were normal, things would be different."

WHITE

Then again, normal is boring as shit. I'm an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a nice box and given to someone for Christmas. Would I write as well without my History? I can't be sure, but since a lot of my inspiration is from my tragedies, I can safely say that my writing would at least be different. Would I be as good of a person? I really doubt it, but my friends might argue with me about that ;)

GRAY

So what am I? I write poetry, play guitar, enjoy long midnight walks, and stargaze. I'm a decent listener with a tendency to give reasonably reliable advice, and would drop everything to help a friend. I'm in engineering, and have a ever-growing social circle, but I don't cross my limits when it comes to drinking or partying. I have a wide taste in music and popular culture. I'm not gay, and I don't have any horrible deformities.

But on the other hand, I'm skinny like a pencil, I still have my stuffed animal collection, I write and edit for a TERRIBLE NEWSPAPER and I collect Magic: the Gathering cards. I have a tendency to say stupid things and act immature in a clearly failing attempt to get people to like me. I maintain a dark blog and an even darker psychology, with a lot of horrible stories about my past that don't see the light of day. I play lots of geeky video games and can't dance worth shitbeans. I'm a shut-in and my fashion sense relies on whatever clothing I have clean that day.

So what? This is me.

GRRRRRRREAT

I slept on the couch last night, just to mix it up a bit. My life is so exciting. /sarcasm

Speaking of which, I think my toothbrush is possessed by an annoying devil. It's gotten a habit of spinning randomly during the night, even when it's turned off. I'm not too sure, but maybe it's going on strike, or something... my teeth aren't that bad, right? I mean I eat lots of garlic and drink gasoline, but that has nothing to do with it.

I've also begun hallucinating. My bedspread is designed in a very particular series of lines, such that if you look at them for too long, you begin to have the urge to listen to Britney Spears and eat lots of peanut butter. The walls of my house are moving make them stop.

The highlight of my day is watching Youtube videos, or if I'm not too lazy, I can walk to Jon's house and watch him play GTA4 and kill civilians with a helicopter. Other than that, I just have time to think and consider all the ridiculousness in my life. Also, playing video games w/ gtcncnc is awesome, except my mouse broke down like a shitty toaster.

Timez 4 breakfast. I shall be dining (breakfasting?) on FROSTED FLAKES cause THEY'RE GRRRRRRRRRREAT!


Update coming later.

Update: Alright, so test went well, Westend was fine, and now I'm sitting at home feeling crappy because people lied to me. I'm quite good at reading people from what they say and do, and c'mon. I mean, I don't mind you going wherever but don't lie, it's just embarrassing because I know. And where do you go from there? I put my trust my friends, literally to the death, and sometimes it's shit knowing they don't even give a damn whether I'm alive or not. So fuck you guys, I'm done.

Help

I don't know what to believe anymore. I wish I could let myself get mad sometimes, because it would show people exactly how I feel. But no, I suppress my anger, swallow the hurt, and keep smiling because it's what people expect, right?

Which is a bitch. Who remembers me? It's only when things are bad that the world turns to me, to carry the burden so everyone can keep smiling. Nice guys finish last, and although I've done shit things, I'm still very much a moral compass. So why? Maybe I'm not popular, or cool, or perhaps I've done too many wrongs to be considered a friend.

I'm staying in tonight, trying to compose my thoughts, my ideals. Please follow me when I run away. Save me.

Also: fuck karma.

Let Me Know

So I've realized something over the past few days. Yes, it was affected by my friends' visit, and I think it's changed part of my perceptions.

I'm not wasting my time anymore. I have a high sense of empathy, which is why I feel so uncomfortable in crowds because I pick up feelings from everyone in the room. My heart-stopping moments, the ones I remember, aren't in clubs or at parties or wherever. It's sitting in the park at night with my friends, the ones who really care. Sleeping in a parking lot. Going to Subway. Eating ice cream and making sushi. The small things in life that stay with me forever.

Be a gangster!

Yes, I'll go out with crowds, but the moments that make life worth living happen at the most random times. A bar is a bar, a club is a club - they're fun, high-energy - but you never feel close to anyone. There are no heart-stopping moments, nothing that steals your breath away. So I think I'm trading in my WestEnd membership for something a little quieter and more meaningful. I'll still go out, but for the right reasons. Not for drinking, not for dancing, not for music or whatever, but just to chill with my friends and make some memories that last.

One of the best nights of my life.

I'll sit on a couch with you and watch movies. I'll take a walk with you in the middle of the night. I'll be your friend, without the alcohol. And if you're my friend, I'll be yours. That's all I can really offer. If you want to make some moments with me, just call - I'm always up for making some memories.

I love you guys. Platonically.

I'd like to say Marco and Andrea are awesome.


Thanks guys, you've read my blog/notes and whatever, you know what I think of my true friends. So thanks. Visit me again, I'm way too alone and I'm scared at night. Also you guys need to buy me bubble tea next time. Don't forget, I'm going to be buried with that blue book and bring those awesome memories with me wherever I go next.

"A friend is a soul dwelling in two bodies." - Andrea
"Pfft... asian please!" - Marco

So I wrote something for all of the 4th Spare crew, even those that were busy and didn't visit me in HAMILTON. Here goes:


4th Spare

The L, M, A and O keys worn down by years of ass-wrenching MSN.
Albums upon albums of terrible photos that I'll never see again;
Scars crossing my hands, each one a hint of reckless fun.
"It's the weekend!", "Gave you Cancer!", and screaming "Food Run!"

Long nights drinking coffee and sometimes alcohol too,
Going out for sushi (Food Safety Violation, foo!)
Eating tiny pizzas and watching movies in the dark.
Then walking a couple miles before peeing in the park.

Wii Tennis Champions and catching pigeons, Le Mao.
I really wish that one of you would get their license now,
Girasole's, Demetre's, Kelsey's, Square One, PMall.
The worst part of it is that I have to drive you all.

Every day for an hour, chilling for two years straight,
Outside of school and having fun, even when it's late.
Sleeping in a parking lot, playing gay chicken (you fucks),
Big Two, Bubble Tea, Symposium, and Starbucks.

No matter how far away we are,
Unsurmountable by plane or car,
No matter how long we're apart,
We're bound together by the heart.

***

Thanks brothers and sisters. You keep me going when things are terrible.

Crazyyy

Hey, all you guys who called me today are AWESOME, and even though I'm back in 'sauga it's awesome to know that people care. Sorry for the long-distance fees though. I promise I'll make it up to you somehow. Maybe buttsecks?


On another note, don't drink Jolt energy drinks and eat Twizzlers in a 4 hour long class. Imagine a jackhammer being operated by a squirrel on double-brewed coffee and amphetamines. Zarking Frood.

UPDATE: My poetry book just came in, 'Forever Spoken'. I've heard ILP is a scam and whatever, but I'm actually quite pleased with the book itself. Each copy is personalized so my poem is right on the front few pages. As for the other poems in the book, it's all dependent on the reader - some are really good in my opinion, so I'm reasonably satisfied with being a part of it. Even if it was a big scam it was worth it to me.

DOUBLE UPDATE: Yeah, this poetry book isn't too bad. I'm a poet WHOO!

Cat Got Your Tongue?

I'm pretty vulnerable. To quote Wonderwall, 'There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know ho-o-ow', and it's so true.

AAAARRRGHHHHH why is every word that comes out of my mouth another slice of evidence that proves I'm an idiot? I'm supposed to be a writer, but in reality the words catch in my throat and I end up awkward as a penguin in a desert, struggling to say the things I really want to say.

It's terrifying.

***

I had a dream the other night where I was watching the sunset with you. I touched your hand and woke up, and I have never wanted to fall back asleep more in my life. If I ever get the chance in reality, I'm sure my world will collapse the moment your palm touches mine. There is no way that you exist in my reality, and no way for me to explain what I don't believe.

Hilarity Ensues

Am I really that funny?

It's full of calcium and cotton. Also there is a nipple.

'Cause all that Batman stuff and the Is-that-yours-NOOOOOOOOOs and the Gay Chicken and the 8-ft whale penis HOLY SHEET and the foreskin vampires and the 'You look much better from behind, haha' and the 'I have many secrets, i.e., what I do to you in your sleep' and the 'Get your fucking nose out of my root beer' and the annoying knuckle cracking and the guy-that-calls-not-chester-not-chester and the HIGH FIVE *facepalm* and the were-pigeon and the 'I can make you orgasm by touching your feet' and the SHIT I LOST THE GAME and last word and Symposium nights and the ONE TIME I ATE MY NEIGHBOR'S SHIT and 'Fuck you guys making me drive all over the damn city and pay for your food' and the bubbletea and 'Marco, you have way too many shoes and it makes me question your masculinity' and the late night food runs and all the ridiculous things I have ever said?

TINY PIGEON GOES BOWCHICKAWOWOW!!!

Just comes naturally. I can't help it anymore than you can help being a loser.

Ugh

So twas my friend Kansas' birthday last night. We ended up going to Absinthe downtown, it was pretty cool. But man, I was so fucking exhausted that I ended up passing out on the table, and like an idiot, I somehow refused to take a cab home and trudged, like, an hour back to my house, and then fell asleep on the floor. Also I was kind of a dick.

So yeah. The last few days I've been so out of it. There are a million things on my mind, which is ironic because quitting MSN and Facebook was supposed to get rid of stress. The basic consequence is me turning into a huge re-re. I'm pretty sure like, 60 people hate me for random phone calls and messages in like, the middle of the night (sorry guys), not to mention the totally ridiculous 'adventures' I force my friends to embark on with me (also sorry). Not only that, but my left hand is starting to do that weird thing where it wanders around aimlessly looking for something to do.

It's not all that bad, said the Re-re strawberry.

Anyways, I'm going to stop it. It's probably going to kill me because I'm literally bored to tears, but I guess I have to really shut up and let people find me instead. We'll see.

***

Also comedic is the fact that summer is as boring as washing a fish.

Speak Truth

You know, I'd rather take the truth that hurts than the lie that makes me smile. Just be honest and tell me I'm trash instead of this psychological BS where you laugh and smile and pretend to be my friend. I'd probably respect you way more if you had the decency to just say you hate me up front instead of forcing yourself to laugh. I know you don't read this blog anyways but I think I just need to get that out. Fucking people.

Anyways, lesson for the rest of you: just tell me when I'm being an idiot and annoying or whatever. I don't have to worry about you 4th Spare guys cause you don't have any problems telling me exactly what you think of me, and vice versa, which is a point that makes you amazing. I don't fucking care if you tell me I'm being stupid - I'd rather have you say it than keep it in and fake being nice when you really want to punch me.

I want to go Home

Not much time at the minute, so just gonna say that I'm fucking stressed out. Not because of school or whatever, but just social issues that need addressing. Man, I tried to get away from people and instead I end up worrying way more. Especially since I don't have the nerve to say what I want to and end up regretting shit all over the place.

Yeah, I'd rather be back in M'sia, sitting on the porch with a bag of chicken satay, a cup of anything except milk, and maybe a mosquito coil to keep those bloodthirsty motherfuckers at bay. *sigh*

Fuck summer school so hard.

WWNPHD?

I woke up with the intention to go sparring. So I went to see Harold & Kumar Escape Gitmo with Huber, James and Imran instead. It was delightful with a rounded, diverse cast, and tasteful jokes that appealed to the young and the old alike.

NPH riding a unicorn while high on shrooms. Also drunk.

Anyways, fun times. So 4th spare, you guys better come visit me and bring lots of fucking food because I'm wasting away like a walrus in Africa. Serious. Also not to sound harsh but all you dicks that message me the 'morning after' can go %$#@ yourselves. Not my job anymore.

Man, you know what's fucking terrifying? This whole anonymity thing I'm doing, I found out a lot of shit you guys might want to check out. Your personal information is being stored in tons of locations worldwide, by governments, banks, businesses, and whatnot. I mean, it's all cool and dandy but say someone fucks up and your info falls into the wrong hands (i.e. what happened in Britain last year when someone lost a hard drive with half the population's bank numbers in it)?

If you have a cell phone, the government can triangulate your position down to a couple hundred feet. If you use the internet (obviously), then your ISP can watch every website you visit, record chats and whatever, not to mention cookies and other things stored on your PC that can be used to hunt you. Even that car OnStar shit can be used to eavesdrop on your conversations (there's a microphone that's controlled by the company).

Cabs have cameras, traffic lights too now, not to mention schools and airports and banks and restaurants and convenience stores. If I really wanted to track you I could find your bank numbers, your address, your phone number, what kind of groceries you buy, your favourite shopping mall, where you go to get extraordinarily expensive massages, and whatever. I'm a reasonably terrifying character but I'm not a rapist, stalker, murderer, lawyer, or what else, so if I can find you, someone with the intent to harm could too.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! SAVE ME!

Punched in the Heart

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

-William Butler Yeats, The Stolen Child

It's an odd phenomenon. There are many times where I'm stunned into an awkward silence by things people say, or do, that resound and reverberate in my mind, leaving me standing there with my mouth open like an idiot.

If I'm ever awkward around you, it's probably because you scare the living crap out of me. But in a good way, like your eyes catching mine and rendering me speechless, or something you said strumming a chord inside me. It's pretty epic but the part afterwards usually fills up with me saying something really dumb to cover up how hard you've just punched me in the heart (again, in a good way).

Dead Inside

Bring me to life. Say what needs to be said, because silence is the most powerful scream. Speak truth and whisper the words to let me go. Take a walk without your shoes on - remove the rubber barrier that prevents the grass from tickling your toes. Your beauty controls and confuses.

Fuck.

Frozen

A delicate dance of love and hate,
We swirl in this maelstrom of life.

Restlessness of hopes unfulfilled and an itch that can't be scratched. Wishful thinking and prayers go unheard as metaphorical night falls on the heart. Longing, and fear, and the sting of bad memories conspire and transpire to confuse and cajole. The urge to jump in without looking, with both feet, to, as they say, 'Just do it', counterbalanced by the fear of rejection and the long-term cancer of bad experience, called 'What if?'

The cold and cruel hands of the past grip the mind and freeze it, holding it in place, while it struggles to free itself. Fingers both soft and sharp mold and shape the pliable dough of the brain until the scars litter its surface like spiderwebs. Held by a rubber band, reaching out for life unfettered, but snapped back to reality by the harsh chains of experience gone wrong.
The tricky sensation of moving forward, while actually sliding back. The hands that hold, unable to let go, tearing and pulling and grasping while shirts rip and skin breaks and buttons fly, until naked and bleeding, with a thousand eyes watching. Misplaced hope in a future only seen by one, and not the other, like a ship dragged by the current to places it fears to go.

*****

I woke up in a dream today, remembering I'm trying to be who I'm not anymore. Your voice, your face, painted on my memories, while I try to pretend that the past isn't real.

Stuck in the Wheel

This is not working out at all like I planned it. Staying outside the spheres of influence is harder than it seems; there are moments when I just want to pick up the phone and call everyone, and only the stubborn part of me keeps me from doing it. I don't think that I'm actually making that mental leap from being a screwy individual to a productive yet robotic member of society.


What can I say? Every day has this weird repetitiveness to it... I wake up, check my email, wash up, make a very non-nutritious breakfast, take a shower, get changed into the clothes I've been wearing all week, play some guitar, do some homework in a futile attempt to raise my grades, read a book (or Wikipedia articles, in case I ever get on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and need to know the behaviour of angiosperms), play some video games and lose, and if I'm lucky, I'll have some time to take a walk and mentally kick the crap out of myself. I'm terrified to see what happens when I get a job - being stuck in a rotating wheel of repetition is my nightmare.


The whole shebang isn't really working out too well. I've pushed some friends away, broken connections, and I'm worried that the people who really need me are floundering. There isn't a right decision to make and I have to step on a few feet to rid myself of the past that's chasing me.

Make that leap

I've had a couple of confusing days lately.

I can't describe this too well (it's a little early), but I'll try my best. I've noticed a subtle difference between my friends that can only be described as 'passive' and 'active' friendship. There are those who see me at parties, talk to me on occasion, have a few interests in common, but are perfectly satisfied to ignore me when it's convenient. We all have a bunch of these friends, the kind of people we have on MSN and never talk to, and the people that rarely take the initiative to hang out with you. I'm not saying these people are bad friends - I love hanging out with certain people that just never seem to contact me outside mutual events, and I'm sure I'm the same kind of friend to a lot of people.

On the other hand, we have our active friends who constantly keep us in mind and show that in their actions. It's the kind of person that says, "Why not now?" when I say, "We should hang out sometime." I still get messages from my friends asking me to go on food runs, or walks, or just hang out, without any prompting. It's a clear distinction between the people who are just 'friends' and the ones who take that extra effort to become 'family'. The people who I can live without, and the people who I can't live without. The people who walk in when everyone else walks out.

There's a difference. A big difference. I don't need people who walk in front of me - I may not follow. I don't need people who walk behind me - I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Freedom

The entire purpose was my escape. My freedom, if you will, from my obligations and beliefs. The effort I make to be as cold as the moon that lights the midnight air. The struggle to let go of everything and to find myself.

How can I be free? You have a right to say what's on your mind, but it hurts. I can't be normal, I can't be human, and I can't be free. So your every reminder that you're hurting kills me inside because I CAN'T. Yeah, it's easy to say when you're outside the darkness - but living with it? Opening your eyes every morning to the same bleak fucking world and the same dark shadow inside that very deep corner of your mind and trying so hard to just LIVE but everywhere there are people crying out to you?

Yeah, you care, I know. But I can't hold myself together, and every part and piece of me isn't ready for this. Destiny, fate, a wish upon a star... these things don't mean anything if I don't know who I am. For the sake of me, if you love me and really care, let me go. Holding me back and wishing I was beside you is only what you want - but I need to disappear like dust in the wind. I told you that once upon a time, and although I tried, it fell apart.

I'm still looking for that bright light, the freedom I'm trying to grab a hold of. But I can't do it if you're holding me down. I'm sorry.

What the fuck ladies?

May @ Mac was funstuffs for my headbrains. Pictures will be posted later. Also, I have new pictures of people's crotches that I should add to my collection. No I'm not a creeper OMGWTFBBQ.

Have I ever mentioned that I am utterly confused by the opposing gender? There are so many questions that go unanswered - how can you tell if a girl likes you? What do you say to 'Should I wear red or blue?'? Why do girls go to the bathroom in pairs?!?! Not to excuse guys, but at least we're (usually) more blunt and open, while most girls are so mysterious and elusive. Not to mention confusing.

Seriously guys, what the fuck?

I deal with plenty of issues daily but women always seem to have the most complicated dramas ever. No offense to the wonderful ladies reading this blog, but seriously chill the fuck out. Life doesn't have to be so complicated and half the time people create problems by trying to avoid them.


That still doesn't explain any of the weird shit you all do. Mathematics? Physics? Everything I know is useless here. Blargh.

No Regrets? Lol.

Man, life gets really re-re'd after a while.

I think this is the most I've blogged since I first started this ridiculous personal corner of the internet. Does anybody have a number for Technophiliacs Anonymous? I think I'm falling in love with my laptop screen - maybe I'll take it on a trip to Vegas and we'll get married in a pub owned by an Elvis impersonator.

Just to make a quick point before I go to class - I often regret things I say or do. It's not a very conductive way to live, but it's sort of inevitable. I mean, I'll hang out with friends and then feel real stupid afterward because of some re-re move I made. It happens a lot, unfortunately, and the gambit increases when I hang out with people way cooler than me, because it tends to make me fuck up a lot more. You know the feeling when you first meet a famous celebrity in person? How you start jibbering and rambling and doing really idiotic things? Imagine that 24/7 and that's me.

But you know what? It's probably better regretting something I did, than regretting something I didn't do (Which doesn't really work out because I regret a lot of things I didn't do too). This is a reminder to me and to all of you out there, to go out and just do what you need to do, because living with regret is teh suck. I wish I could really follow my own advice sometimes, because I know I don't have the balls to do what I say, and I'm going to hold back anyways, because I'm melodramatic like that ;)

Anyways, class is calling. You guys please forgive me for saying stupid shit, or I'll come and kill you in your sleep =)

...Bad Justin! STUPID STUPID STUPID!

Much Love

Just to note that I've never eaten an animal that shit itself while in my mouth. But I know the feeling.

Yes, I know I said I quit MSN and Facebook. But a few observant people have spotted me here and there, still working the strings like a mentally-deranged stage hand on excessive doses of various recreational drugs. It's just the boredom - I have literally over 12 hours a day getting acquainted with the numerous personalities hidden within the delicious package of me - and I'm not a very entertaining person to talk to. I mean, it's sad when you talk to yourself, but it's terrifying to talk to yourself and realize that you're BORING. I know how other people feel about me now and I am SO SORRY. I promise to be more entertaining from now on, perhaps akin to movies starring Jim Carrey or an episode of Prisonbreak.

Lol this guy is my hero.

Unfortunately, a side effect of free time is a disturbing need to think. Not to sound any weirder than I obviously already am, but give me 10 hours stuck with myself and I can philosophize about life, the universe, and everything without coming to any conclusions. As a result, I've been posting on this blog like a squirrel under the influence of mind-altering substances, perhaps fermented fruit, or whatever would make squirrels any more hyper than they already are. I really do hope people read this, or else my wonderful and happy thoughts will all go to waste.

Happy happy joy joy. Man, you guys remember the time we went downtown and I tried on women's jackets and rearranged all the stuffed animals to make them look like they were in compromising sexual positions? Or when we went to Subway and SOMEONE put his nose in my fucking root beer (you bastard)? Or when we sat alone under the stars and nearly froze to death while crying? Or when we made the huge pancake full of bacon that looked so gross but probably tasted like orgasm? Or when we caught that stupid pigeon and thought it had rabies and you were going to turn into a were-pigeon on the full moon? Or that time when we built that Ragamon (yes I spelled it wrong on purpose) tower and then I ended up being an engineer? HA HA FUCKING HA. I love you guys.

This guy is one of my best friends.

I'm doing all right. I would love to come back to 'Sauga sometime but my mom hates me right now, so until she cools down I'm stuck in the Hammy-town. Why don't you come up and visit me? I miss you guys from back home. Talking to a few of you just makes it worse, I want to see you in person dammit. Food runs and adventures in shopping malls, and this time I promise not to walk like a Chocobo and embarrass all of you.

It's lunchtime! That means I get to cook myself... what do I have here? Pasta, but no sauce. A can of soup. A tub of margarine. Some sausage rolls... This is looking more and more like a peanut-butter-pickle-pepper-cheese-omelette day. I'll see you all later.

Lol take it bitch!

ALSO I UPLOADED SOME STUFF IN MY PHOTO GALLERY. You may want to check it out =P

Bad Start

Summer school is such a bitch that my butt quivers just thinking about it. (If Statics was easy it'd be called YOUR MOM!!! While I haven't confirmed this by solid proofs, I tested it experimentally last night.)

3 hours a day, 3 times a week. I thought I was done with this shit. Ugh. One class and I'm already losing focus. Dammit, get your brain into gear. At least other people are taking the course with me, including some ridiculously hilarious folks that always make me cry when I make eye contact with them. You ruin my life and I HATE YOU.

Also, thanks to the people that have cared enough to find me! It's just proven that not all of you suck - I mean, that I have 'real' friends, not just leeches. I might not go outside in the light of day, but that doesn't mean I don't care =)

As a side note:
What the fuck, yes I could 'go for it', but I'm not that confident and I'm broken inside. What am I supposed to do? My self-esteem is slightly zip at the moment and I have a stupid over analytical imagination that hates me. How can I be so reasonably eloquent in words but lose it when I need it most? Can you hear me thinking here, all the way on the dark side of the moon?

Anyways, it's pretty late and I want to find 10 more hobbies before summer ends. Any suggestions?

Invisible

Disappearing is hard to swallow. Being invisible and running away isn't really like me, so it hurts to hear my friends crying. The imaginary tugs at my sleeves aren't any easier to bear than real ones.

This is my escape. This is my corner of the wide internet where I can explode and let my soul out in big rants about how much people suck and how misanthropic I am. It's not your connection to feed on me - this page leads nowhere. This is my nothing.

I'm trying to run away dammit. I need some time to figure things out and fix myself, to heal and recover from whatever wounds you've all stabbed me with. The more the crowd pulls, the more I push away, and nothing will ever get done. So for the sake of me, just let it go.

“Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.”

Ahahaha

Life's a bitch but there's no changing it.

Every silver lining has a cloud - for every time you get up, there's another fall waiting in the wings. Why does it hurt to smile?

I passed?!

I passed with a 4? I thought I was going to fail! I've never been so disappointed at actually getting a decent grade. Wow, I did an excellent job underestimating myself... how the heck did I pass with a 4? I was totally expecting to fail that shit and then suddenly I passed - not only passed, but with a mark I am happy with. Wow again. Thank you bell curve. Thank you M.V.M.

So now I just need a high mark in Eng Phys and Measurements and I'm all set. My GPA is pretty crap, I need to average it out so I don't have to reinstate. It's sitting at a 5 right now, so as long as I get higher than a 3 in the remaining courses, I'm set.

Wow.

How Fragile is the Heart?

People can be broken easily. Who's going to pick up the pieces after I fall apart?


'The linearity of life is becoming predictable', I wrote a long time ago. For me and some others, it's easy to see the web and pathways that are caused by your decisions, and the resulting long-term effects. It's the whole 'neutral eye' thing that I've got (being a total outcast and removed from society). So watching the ripples is something I can do, even though it's boring shit.

What a twisted web of lies we weave. Does anybody realize how many bad decisions they've made? I know I don't - I can name a few of my transgressions (corn flakes without milk!) but no way all of them. Even worse than the bad decisions are the ones we walk away from without confronting the issue at hand, like the typical, "Should I tell him/her how I feel?", or "Do I go over there and say hi?", which, if we choose to walk away, leave us with a feeling of 'what if?'.

How much can people take? I'm not 'normal', whatever that word might mean, but things are starting to break. Not to sound excessive, but I've been tempered by bad experiences, so my tolerance is reasonably higher than most. So what about the everyday 'average man'? How many waves does it take to erode a shoreline?

Things are starting to fall down, and I get older, I start to understand why people seem to grow so apathetic as they age. The constant beatings of bad decisions, and the footprints left as people trample over you, and all the haunting aches and pains from the past. How much can we take?

Friends

"I have no trouble with my enemies. But my goddamn friends... they are the ones that keep me walking the floors at night."

I worry way too much about all of you.