Yin and Yang

It feels so strange to be disconnected from my former self. I've 'remade' my life with the help of others, and so much has changed that I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore.

Introspectively, I think part of it has to do with growing up and getting considerably more mature, and taking a more reasonable outlook on life. Prior to this year, much of my life focused on the theme of despair and self-denial, which resulted in a clash between what I viewed as my moral obligations to help others, and my self-pitying loathing of my social standing. It's something every teenager has to endure, I think, to some extent - the conflicted struggle between despising the 'cool kids' and yet secretly wanting to be one of them. In my case, it was a counterintuitive battle between helping those in mental difficulties and at the same time, despising them for what they did to my life.

Wow, that was a mouthful.

In all seriousness, I think that lately, I've turned my philosophy away from that struggle between 'desire and derision', and more towards a maintenance of 'balance'. What I mean is that I'm willing to strike a compromise between following the rules and breaking them, in acting mature and childlike, and obeyance and denial of social standards. Yin and yang seem much more appealing as a unified philosophy, rather than picking one side and fighting the other. I've always believed in a balanced mentality, but I don't think I've ever considered it to be a driving force until now.

Hopefully, things work out. I'm more willing to take 'two sides' to an argument, and settle for compromises instead of drastic measures. I remember doing things that were 'extreme' in order to get results that were equally dramatic. Things have changed.

My Dog Looks Somewhat Like Another Dog

Why I am suddenly so depressed is beyond me.

I've eternally had a terribly optimistic view of relationships. Not to say that I'm not deeply and madly in love - but I doubt I've ever really realized the ridiculous amount of work that's required to maintain a healthy and meaningful relationship. And, on the side, an overdose of paranoia that keeps me awake at night. What if, what if, what if. I would relate that I sound much akin to a broken record, but I've always held the firm belief that broken records only make horrid static screeches, so a better analogy would be that I'm like a late-night DJ suffering a nervous twitch in his disc scratching arm.

I fear sometimes that I'm not brave or daring enough to be the blatant expression of excitement my darling love wishes me to be. It's so difficult sometimes to envision just exactly she would desire in a Immature Nerd With Various Mental Issues, and although I do tend to realize that she loves me for who I am - I'm not an idiot, after all, most of the time - but of my various moods, which does she like the most? After all, I am not merely a single individual with single moods, but a smorgasbord of templates, a buffet of personalities and possibilities, and like a catered dinner, custom-made to the limit approaching perfection.

This blog needs more pictures. I find myself increasingly unable to communicate without some sort of visual aid, but I can't really be bothered to search for or upload any. I'm not insulting your ability to read the written word, but rather, the dull and boring sensations that must come from viewing a blog devoid of standard colors. Maybe you could just envision images in your mind's eye and tell me what you're seeing. Maybe you can just pretend because I am too lazy. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

And, Jesus Christ, children nowadays are ridiculous.