Be Right Back

Hey guys and lady-types. I'm pretty busy what with Vancouver and my cousin's wedding and all that jazz, so big updates will have to wait until I get back to T.O.

Meanwhile, short quips, I've been listening to the new Death Cab album Narrow Stairs and it is ear candy. On top of that, Vancouver is a pretty nice city, if not a little overcrowded with asians. I've seen some awesome sights in the past week, and I'll post some pics up soon. The Plumbline is going well, I've gotten a number of articles done and we're ready to finalize it. And finally, I'm thinking about writing a book based on my very random life experiences, most of which can be found on this site anyways, with some extras that haven't been seen by any other eyes. We'll see what happens.

They might be rich, famous, pretty, lucky, special, and a million myriad other things, but they're not me, and I am me, and it makes me laugh inside.

I'm Awesome

I recently posted a note on Facebook asking people to tell me what my flaws are. It stems from a recent discussion with my mom, where she told me I'm egotistical. My mom is usually right, so I decided to ask my friends for confirmation.

It seems I have a problem with self-loathing. Most people think I'm being way too negative about myself, way too emo, and that I rag on myself way too much. My mom seems to think that I'm doing it to get attention, which may be true. I never realized it myself, but I do put myself down a shit lots, and maybe it is to get attention. I don't do it on purpose, it's just unconcious, but I'll make an effort to change.

So here. I'm awesome. I play guitar like a true musician should. I can write poetry that makes people laugh and cry, and it's been published. I'm in engineering, a notoriously hard program, and I'm doing well to boot. I'm physically fit, lean, and I have abs. I've taken taekwondo for over 12 years and I could kick your ass into the ground. I'm entertaining, hilarious, and manage a humour newspaper distributed to hundreds of readers. I've got plenty of life experience on the streets and at home, and on top of that I've travelled almost everywhere I've wanted to go. I don't spend on useless things and I'm secure with my money. I can understand other people because I have a high sense of empathy. I'm better at talking to girls than most guys because I've lived in a house full of them. People feel comfortable with me within minutes of meeting me. I'd be what people consider a 'nice guy' that you'd feel okay taking to meet your parents. I'm neat and organized, and clean on top of that. I can cook and do my own laundry and I don't need to rely on anyone to get by. I listen to almost every genre of music, favouring independant bands the most. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I go to church nearly every Sunday, as often as I can. I can hold a conversation with almost anyone, and I don't have any enemies. I treat my friends with the highest respect and loyalty. I say profound things on a constant basis, and I've been told I'm wise beyond my years. I've been through terrible experiences and survived and become even better. I'm good at video games and most sports. When I do drink, I have a high alcohol tolerance bordering 8 pints of beer. I'm always willing to help out or listen, and I'm one of the most trustworthy people you'll meet. I can keep a secret forever. I can present a neutral view of a situation, and I can fix most problems within my social circle. I'm in the loop when it comes to popular culture and internet memes, and I can tell really good jokes. I drink my requisite 8 glasses of water a day.

So yeah, that makes up for all the self-hate.

High Maintenance

Analysis time.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not normal. I have issues that make me a non-typical guy, not to mention a non-typical person. I can accept my history as something different, but it's at times like this that I really do hate what life has done to me. If I were any more 'normal', would things be different? And the answer is obviously yes, things would be different, I would be different, and maybe I would have gotten a different answer. I'm not assuming, I'm just wondering. My life has made me who I am, for sure, but it's also made me unusual and hard to understand.

I know my faults clearly. I wish I was 40 pounds heavier and was more aggressive. I wish I was better-looking, less insecure, so on and so forth. It's nothing I can change, because my faults are part of me and make me who I am. Anyone that accepts me has to accept my faults, and it might be difficult because they are a lot of them. As Katrina says, I'm 'high maintenance'. I'm an attention whore and I have an insanely high ego. I know I sell myself way too hard.

I had hoped for a chance but it's better it happens now than later. I do have my slight glimpses into the future after all, and I knew there was a very good chance things would never have worked. But hope, right? Risk, right? Taking the chance to ask was a big step for me. I don't think I've ever gotten a straight out Just Friends and I'm glad I did it.

Anyways, time to move on. It's a new day outside, I'm free, and life always gets better.

A Deep Breath

I'm so fucking relieved all that shit is over because my life was stressed out. I'm not going to pretend I'm not upset, because that would be a lie. I'm a little disappointed, but I can deal with it and accept it. There's no changing the past so I might as well move on, right?

And Ashley at the bar will start serving me beer again, which is a relief.

Anyways, I can just be truthful now and say that looking back, she may not have been the best match for me, and that I liked her for only parts of her personality, not the whole. As I told Heywood, sometimes I just feel like punching her in the face (sorry, it was an exaggeration), and I guess that's a bad sign.

I'm happy that I asked, because now I can move on, instead of dragging it out for another month and most likely wasting my time. I would have liked a chance, a trial run, but I mean, it's not my decision to make and I can be at peace with that. So thanks.

Lucky

The sky was clouded, spotted with dark patches between which the sun shone dimly through. The air was humid, hot, and smelled of asphalt and rubber, carrying the sweat and aroma from the patrons of the nearby Tim Horton's.

I jiggled my hand in my pocket, hoping to find enough cash for an ice cappuccino. Only a quarter bounced back eagerly, 25 cents of disappointment. Not nearly enough for anything, except maybe a phone call. I moved on.

Recently, my life has been pretty rough. There are things I've never had to deal with before, and my relationships towards people are changing. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them, maybe it's life. There are times when I feel terrible, like no one gives a shit. It's like being punched in the back - you're never expecting it, and you don't realize it until you're face-down in the dirt. It's a horrible feeling.

There were some chairs set up, facing the lake, and tourists sat there, taking pictures, watching the birds, taking in the sights and sounds. The sidewalk was strewn with sticks, small leaves, cigarette butts. I stepped around all of them, making my way further downtown.

A spatter of rain fell on my cheek. It ran down my neck like a cold, intrusive and unwelcome finger. The consistency of the air changed, heralding a thunderstorm. I hurried for a bus shelter, glad that I spotted one across the street just a few minutes ago.

The change was slight but noticeable. People began to walk briskly, lengthening their pace, and umbrellas appeared as if from nowhere. Taxi drivers looked out their windows, faces eager for rain-fearing customers, anticipating a good haul.

I was so preoccupied with the sky that I almost tripped over a large bundle of rags at the edge of the sidewalk. Annoyed, I started to step over it, when it spoke out to me in a heavy accent. "Hey, got any change?"

Reeling back, I stepped away warily. The bundle unwrapped itself, standing up to reveal a short, untidy man, his beard and hair unkempt, his eyes nestled within like glowing coals. "Got any change?"

He was close enough to smell, and my mind was distracted from his question by his stale stench. Trying to suppress a cough, I shook my head in the universal symbol for "No."

For a few seconds, he stood there, hand outstretched. I could count the wrinkles in his palm. Then he dropped it to his side, turning away from me. I breathed a short sigh of relief, and started to walk away. But before I could, he looked back at me with an odd expression on his face.

"You're very lucky." he said, before disappearing into the crowd.

The quarter in my pocket suddenly felt very heavy.

Am I lucky? I mused to myself, my pace slowing. I've been down there before, long ago. Have I forgotten my roots? My values? Maybe I'm comparing myself to the wrong people. My problems are tough, but I've been through worse and survived, haven't I? I'll be okay.

With a sudden crash, the rain came pouring down. Within seconds, I was soaked, but I still felt like the luckiest person on earth.

Chance

Okay, my life has recently been a whirlwind of confusion, and parallels.

My sister told this guy she liked him, and unfortunately, the guy in question hasn't brought up the subject since. So for the past few weeks I've been dealing with an angst-ridden teenage girl asking me for advice, and questions I really don't have answers to.

The strange thing is, I'm sort of in the same position. There's two forces pulling me in two different directions. One is from the past, urging me to go back and try again, and one is from the future, pulling me forward into new experiences.

Problem: Either way I go, I have a chance of success and a chance of failure. Do I go with my comfort zone and with something I already know, or do I take a risk and chance it with something new?

And my fucking friends. "You decide." "It's up to you." "Follow your heart." Dammit you guys are assholes. It doesn't help that it's exactly what I used to say to you, and now you're just throwing it back in my face. Shit.

Bad Timing

Alright this is going to be pretty dramatic and long-winded, but I really need to get it out.


I never really got over you. When you told me things weren't going to work out, I pushed everything to the side and just agreed. I didn't ask why, because I figured you'd tell me when you were ready. I wasn't going to push the issue, because it was hard for both of us.

But I never really accepted how I felt. I just covered it up with a bandage, and the wound never healed. And when I saw you the other day, something inside me tore open, releasing everything I'd kept locked away. Everyone faded away, and all I could see was your eyes, connected to mine.

The moment passed and I looked away awkwardly, gave you a weird hug, and hurried back to my friends. But I can't lie to myself and deny what I felt. I still feel something in the pieces of my broken mind.

I can deal with it now. I still love you, but I can let you go.

...

Life has terrible timing. I set my sights on a girl who seems so oblivious to my existence, and I'm striving for something I don't think I can reach. This is after I break someone's heart, because I can't be who I am inside without hurting her. And here comes the past, stirring up feelings I thought I had forgotten. Thank you.

And what do I do now? Do I continue to reach for someone just beyond my grasp? Do I go back and struggle to reglue a broken heart? Or do I give in and fall again for someone who told me that things couldn't work?

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