Done

I'm just going to take a break and just say fuck it. I've had a good majority of posts dedicated to my friends, and I think I need to go back and visit them. I think that, after entering university and meeting so many new people, I've become disillusioned with this whole shit. I need to go and find people that care.

I failed two courses this semester. I'm probably stretching out my last year into two. My mom won't be happy. I'm not happy.

Memories of the Dead

I hate it when people I care about immensely hurt themselves. I hate it more when they do it for stupid reasons. I hate it even more when they lie to me about it. I hate it the most when I tell them how I feel and they do it anyways.

I've lost a lot of people to smoking. I never got the chance to say goodbye before they were taken away. I've forgotten how their voice sounded, how their skin felt like. I will never endorse or feel comfortable with smoking and smokers.

People can do what they want to themselves. I can't stop them, because I can't force anyone if they're only hurting themselves - they have every right to do that. But what they don't see is that it hurts me more than anything else. And I've lost too much.

The only option I want to take is escape. I can't stress myself out, or care too much. I have to let go, and in the process, abandon friends. But if that's what it takes, I'll do it willingly, because the memories of the dead are more important to me than the whims of the living.

My housemates smoke. But not regularly. In fact, I think I would understand it more if it were regular, or an addiction, because then at least they'd have an excuse. But they only smoke on random outings and occasions, like it's some sort of celebratory suicide. I don't understand, and I will never understand. And in all honesty, I no longer care, because they both know my story and still choose cigarettes over my friendship. So until they earn that respect back, I don't owe them anything.

And they're not sorry. I'm a study of human nature, and I don't have an 'idealized' view of the world. They'll apologize, as a short-term fix, to avoid tension - everybody does the same. We all say things to avoid conflict, but never take the time or effort to make amends. As they say, 'Sorry isn't enough'. You need to actively fix what you did and make things right to make it mean something. And they're not sorry, because they'll do it again. Except next time, they'll do it behind my back so I can't see. Does that make it any better?

So what can I do? They did it knowing it would upset me - not just once but multiple times. So they've picked a cigarette over me, they've decided to satisfy their own pleasures disregarding the fact that it would upset me, and was it worth it? That cigarette better have been worth more than my friendship, because that's what it cost.

Pressure

The other day was 4-20, and if you're familiar with social constructs, you'll recognize the day as the pothead's holiday. It's the drug-user's equivalent of the alcoholic's St. Patrick's Day.

I don't understand the concept. Many people seem to use holidays as a reason or an excuse for their behaviour, and it frustrates me. I enjoy drinking, but I'd never try to convince myself to drink because of the date - I drink because I enjoy it, and St. Patrick's Day is only an occasion for me because the beer is cheap. Using socially defined dates for your behaviour is just an extreme case of peer pressure.