Conversation: Episode One

Imran: There's a dark place in my mind where fat people reside.

Justin: Man, you white people got owned.
Jon: Actually, black people got owned. Literally.

Justin: Cabasil? In milkshakes?
Jon: Yeah, it's also the stuff they put in diapers.
Justin: I eat a lot of diapers.
Jon: Maybe you should try taking them off the baby first.

Justin: You can be ho, or mo. Pick one.
Marco: ho.
Justin: Why you would pick that one is beyond my understanding.

Jon: I'm white, I know my boats.
Justin: I'm Chinese. Boats only mean freedom to me.

Random guy: Hey, close your eyes, I'm going to show you my secret handshake.
Colin: Oh no, he's going to pull out his penis.

Jon: Jesus could turn water into wine.
Justin: I can turn beer into pee.

Lisa: This tastes like I'm drinking a tree.

Justin: I play video games like your mom sucks dick. Fast, hard, and obsessively.

Jon: Alright, let's go. I gotta go home and beat the fire turtle.
Justin: Hahaha, with your Dragon sword!
Jon: Hahaha, with my Dragon fang and Tiger claw!

Imran: So I was mowing my lawn and I ran over a butterfly. It was sad, but I was thinking how it was a metaphor for progress. You know, stand in the way of progress and you get crushed.
Justin: ...
Imran: (five minutes later) But goddamn, my lawn looked nice though.

Justin: I once almost kissed a girl. But then she woke up. And then I woke up.

Justin: But the Daedalus has Asgard technology.
Jon: Yeah, but the Enterprise will just use its matter transporters and fucking beam the Daedalus' engines into space. Point.
Josh: You guys are fucking sad.

Justin: Son.
Jim: I'm older than you.
Justin: Trouble with a time machine and a contraceptive.

Katrina: You're a hobo. A mad, mad vagrant.
Justin: Why thank you. You smell like old people and soap!

Justin: You hot.
Aaron: ...
Justin: You HOST. Host. That was a bad typo.

Justin: I love Diablo II.
Westley: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! This is for you. HELP!
Justin: Forgive me! DIE! TIME TO DIE! FOLLOW ME!

Alex: SON!
Lisa: Son! Aw DAMMIT!
Justin: (jumping out from behind Alex) SON!
Lisa: ARRGHHH FUCK YOU GUYS!

Justin: Hey, you know that Corn Nuts snack?
Aaron: Yeah?
Justin: So how do they make those? Do they chop the testicles off poor helpless corn?
Aaron: Holy shit.

Justin: They are the best.
Aaron: They are the bestest.
Justin: Bestestes. Bes Testes!
Aaron: That is a king one-liner, because only a king is allowed to say it.
Justin. The King of the Bes Testes?
Aaron: Or just King Bes Testes.
Justin: That is our new mascot.

Aaron: I don't know what lactose does to lactose intolerant people.
Justin: It turns them into Bes Testes.

Aaron: Do we have a zombie quarantine room?
Justin: I got one. It's a little small though. Hold down the lid and flush.

Nicole: Brb, I'm going to make a hotdog. And think of you.
Justin: It's not a tiny one, right? Or I'll go buy some yeast and think of you.

Justin: Brb, poop.

Justin: I got a girlfriend.
Nicole: Does she know you're going to eat her heart eventually?

Nicole: And so he calls me.
Justin: Wow. Is he hot? Does he have abs like Superman? Are his hands big and not sweaty at all? Does he use his spit for hair gel? CAN HE STRANGLE A COBRA WITH HIS DICK? CAN HE FLY?
Nicole: Yes. Yes he can fly.

Nicole: I'll steal your cherry.
Justin: Are you going to mail me a fucking pussy?
Nicole: Yes.
Justin: That would be weird. Especially if my mom got the mail first.

John: Miss, can you get my friend a napkin? He's emo, I don't want him to cut himself.
Waitress: Yeah, sure, I wouldn't want him to cry.
Justin: Johnny, you're a fucking dick.

Jacq: Gerengtee can wan. No probrem.
Justin: Aiya can cannot lah.
Jacq: Yes, must repeat words wan, then only can really really understand one.
Justin: I have the sudden urge to strip down to my underwear and drive a motorbike down to the transvestite hawker stall to buy some satay. Then go back to my shop, where I sell toys and cigarettes, with my portable fan and incense sticks.

Justin: That's the best idea I've heard all day. But considering the fact that I just woke up...

Justin: I woke up, said "Fuck class" and went back to sleep.
Jacq: Yeah I know. But it makes me feel better saying it.
Justin: It makes me feel better saying I'm Spiderman, but it doesn't make it true. Sadly.

Justin: What do they do with the foreskins? Do they keep them in a jar? Do they smell them? Do they put them on a little string and wear them around their -
Jay: No. You need to stop talking now.

Justin: I wonder if there are foreskin vampires that swoop down and bite people's foreskins off.
Jay: I need to put this conversation on facebook.

Leanne: Why can't the world just end so nothing will exist?
Justin: Because then you wouldn't be around to complain about it.

Shane: Hey. Hello. Hey.
Shane: Hi. How are you?
Shane: How is everything?
Shane: What's up?
Shane: How's Mac?
Shane: Nice. Sweet.
Shane: Nice talking to you. We should do it again sometime.

Justin: If there's one thing I've learned, it's don't be Dan.
Squirt: Dan?
Justin: Dan. Dan the garbage man. Be Pat.
Squirt: Pat?
Justin: Postman Pat. Postman Pat and his Black and White Cat.

Justin: 4 people I know died in the last month.
Squirt: Geeze.
Justin: That's a new record. Like they say in Smash Bros.

Justin: 9.0 on my prelab?! If this was Dancing with Stars MAYBE I'd be happy.

Jenn: I'm leaving at noon and getting back at 11:30.
Justin: Where exactly do you live? China?

Jenn: Avez vous un partinaire for p03 excel shizzle?
Justin: O_o
Jenn: Translation: do you have a partner for the p03 excel shit.
Justin: Oui. Ah em veree sorree?
Jenn: You speak French so well!
Justin: ARRRGGGHHHH A MONGOOSE GOT ME



And that's the end of episode one. Be back later for more of my stupid, stupid life.