Darker

During the past week after returning from Vancouver, there's been some changes.

As per the previous few posts, self-victimization and a lack of self-respect have been some noticeable flaws in my otherwise impeccable poise, and lately I've been taking steps to change that.

There is one large side-effect that I had expected and foreseen.

Back when I was a kid, before all this drama, I was the world's most arrogant and egotistical child. I have proof. Skip forward a decade and that version of me has been suppressed and caged. I can't get rid of it because it's part of who I am - the twisted individual under the surface.

It's the part of me that never grew up. An arrogant, self-serving jackass that lurks just underneath my skin, angry at being held back all these years, forced to smile and be polite and lick other people's boots to make them happy. It's the side of my personality that once punched my sister and tried to push my mom down the stairs. And it's become the source of my depression, hate, anger - The Dark Passenger.

And now it's coming out. I have to keep it on a short leash, but I find myself short on patience and high on temper. I've told people to shut up, to leave me alone, to go fuck themselves. I'm scared, because I'm becoming someone new and old at the same time, and I find myself falling into a familiar attitude. But on the other hand, part of me feels free, liberated, and the darker side of me enjoys the sadistic pleasure of telling others to go shove it.

I really don't care much anymore. Don't come to me.