Choices

Recently I've tried to change - now hold up while I explain before you call me a hypocrite for my last post.

I used to be a paradox. I buried my feelings behind a goofy exterior and laughed a lot, acted like an idiot, and so on, just to blend in with the 'normals' in society. But all the anger I packed away inside me, locked in a mental cage, just pulsating underneath the happy facade. It'd leak out at times, in morbid quips that I tried my best to control, at times.

My outlet was my writing. I wrote to release all this hate stored in my body, like a garbage bin empties out into a dump. Everything I wrote had a seed of darkness, feeding the drama and making it real.

Nowadays, I've punctured a hole in that barrier - the darkness flows out, making me irritable and easily upset. In turn, my internal reservoir has been depleted, making it harder for me to find things to write about. On top of that, I've been less willing to put up with certain things that I was tolerable of in the past, namely the behavior of people around me.

Here's the double edge. I can stay as I am - a blend of light and dark, vulnerable to that very human emotion called anger, but ultimately real - or I can go back, and cage the dark passenger riding in the backseat, hiding away my rage but showing the world a false face. Not to consider the effects of either choice on my writing, or my tolerance of people who tend to hurt me.

Choice 1
Stay as I am now-
Pros:
Full range of emotion
Ability to push away people who hurt me
No pent-up feelings
Cons:
Hurting people
Lack of writing ability
Frequent moodiness

Choice 2
Go back to before-
Pros:
Writing is better
Friendly towards everyone
Better at helping others
Cons:
More buried feelings
Sense of loneliness
Being 'fake'

Sometimes I hate myself a lot for being so dramatic.