Recollections

I was sitting in my room this morning when I began to think of some of the more exciting moments in my life, and I thought back to many times when me and my friends used to stage 'ant fights' that would make PETA shit their breeches. Of course, one thought led to another, and soon I was contemplating on the 'Poo Pot Pie' we made back in elementary school. For your amusement, I've compiled a short montage of things I've done over the course of my life.

On my fourth birthday, my ice-cream cake melted in my lap when I was taking a photo. I tried to hold my smile for as long as I could, but as Murphy's Law would have it, my composure broke just as the camera snapped, taking a nice picture of my bawling face as cold ice-cream rolled down my pants.

Once, when trying to jump down the stairs, I slammed my forehead into the ceiling, then did a full-out somersault, landing on my face at the bottom.

When I was six, I invited my mom to come 'camping' with me. I set up a tent in my bedroom then made her drink small cups of water and eat a pack of those crappy Halloween chips. Sorry mom.

In Grade 8, I broke my French teacher's mind when she caught me drinking packets of hot sauce when her back was turned. I also used to gulp air and let out horrendous burps at the worst possible moments, then meekly apologize before doing it again.

A few years previously, in Grade 6, a number of my classmates and I began to sway back and forth in tandem. Our teacher thought she was going insane and ran out of the classroom to throw up. In hindsight, it wasn't really funny, but at the time, we thought it was hilarious.

Once, I borrowed a book from the library, called "Love Letters" and lost it, incurring the eternal wrath of the librarians. When we moved house, I found it buried under the sofa, and I still have it on my bookshelf.

When I was in Malaysia, I left a half-eaten lollipop on my dresser before I went to sleep. The next morning, we spent an hour destroying the living carpet of ants that had crawled onto my bed during the night.

In elementary school, we used to play a game called "Elevator Shaft." One person would stand in the center of a group of 4 people, who would scream "ELEVATOR SHAFT!" and proceed to body-check him simultaneously, crushing his ribcage. I don't know why we thought this was fun.

Once, my gym teacher threw his shoe backwards over his shoulder and it went into the basketball net.

My friends and I discovered a bush that grew 'poison berries'. We used the juice to 'poison' ants, who most likely drowned as opposed to being poisoned. I know this because when my friends weren't looking, I ate a few.

I jumped off a bench once and landed on my head.

When I was a kid, I used to look at my butt in the mirror and imagine it was talking to me.

Once, I got scared because I thought the glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs on my wall were moving, so I ran to my parents' room. It turns out that I had really bad eyesight from reading 'Encyclopedia Brown' books under my pillow at night, and then I got glasses.

I used the disconnected support strut from a baby mobile as a pretend gun. I also took bottles of water for grenades and a flashlight as a laser. Then I went hunting for aliens in my dark basement, until I tripped and slammed my head into the washing machine.

Just yesterday, I starting singing quietly to myself while walking down the street, and when I got to the end of the road, I realized some lady had been walking behind me and listening to my random mumblings. When she saw that I had spotted her, she crossed over to the other side of the road.