Shaking, Breaking, Aching

I can't write anymore. I used to rely on depression for inspiration, but lately, my life has been on the upturn, so desperation no longer comes to the literary rescue. I'm still trying, but I can't find the plots that will make things work out.

I've taken a more mature step to dealing with important issues. I've found it more rewarding to forward problems onto people who have degrees in dealing with them - I've emailed power companies, city councilors, and whoever else may have a greater influence on issues than I do.

As for life, I'm always a little nervous nowadays - no longer do I only have myself to take care of, but there's always another that I'm living for. I can't just neglect myself for the sake of others. Way back when, I knew this was going to be an issue, when I met that person who would care for my well-being in a way neither of us could have predicted. For a person who forsakes himself for the demands of others, it's odd to meet someone whose wish is that I attend to my own needs.

I'm grateful for it though. I've never felt this close or comfortable with anyone. It's like diving into a pool and finding it pleasantly warm, probably because someone has peed in it. <3

Huh.

I know it sounds weird...

but I'm pretty happy.

Solitude

Sometimes I feel so goddamn alone. Everyone has places to be and people to be with except me. I'm just wandering without a purpose.

A lot of my friends have significant others and that takes up a lot of their time. I can understand that, but it doesn't stop me from being a little jealous. I can't force my friends to hang out with me - Nik and I are gay enough as it is - but the house is almost always empty, and even when Lise is home, she's usually in her room studying, so it's deathly quiet. When Yianni comes over, I do enjoy the company, but again, I can't force them to hang out with me and they're usually occupied (I know you guys read this blog, chill), and anyways, I would feel like a third wheel if I just sat there in the room. There's enough awkwardness in this house as it is, so I don't need to exacerbate the situation.

Kristie is gone, and when she does come back, it's to visit her boyfriend(s). It kind of sucks because I miss her (despite the hate), and again, I get jealous when she has better things to do. I need a certain quota of attention each day and I get finicky when it's not filled. Knowing that other people have better things to do than hang out with me is sort of depressing, because I don't have anything better to do than to look for people to hang out with.

And no, I can't find a significant other because I'm mentally retarded. See previous notes spanning back about 3 years.

So I'm sitting at home alone now, playing sad songs on my guitar and failing miserably. Go me.