This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

I sat down on the grey carpet. There was a round stain from the coffee mug that had sat there for days. It would probably never come out.

He was sleeping, but that was okay. He slept a lot lately, and I reached out to run my fingers over his stomach, like I used to when I was a kid. But instead of the normal shirt and jeans, the soft fabric of a hospital gown met my fingers. It was cold, and I wondered why they would make something so important so fragile.

The only noise through the silence was a short beeping from the corner of the room, monitoring his vital signs. The steady pulse of the machine resonated with my heartbeat, and at times I felt as if the two were one - my own pulse keeping him tied down to this world.

The rosary in my other hand felt as cold as ice. I used to think it was strange that people would only turn to God when they needed a crutch. I eventually realized that people turn away from God because they can't bear to trust in anyone but themselves.

Even though it was a bright day outside, we kept the shades down. The darkness in the room was almost like a sound, a scream of silence that deafened the mind. We hid the light, because being blind to it was better than being taunted by it. The true horror wasn't in the darkness - it was seeing the light but not being able to feel it.

I wondered how it would feel like to be trapped in bed; staring up at the blank ceiling all day, trying to discern patterns in the chipped paint. When faced with a blank slate, the mind tends to wander - but the end result may not always be what we expect.

My fingers found his hand and held it gently. He was so fragile, but he wasn't supposed to be.

Remembrance

My eyes are stapled shut.

I have no time to lose. Break the strips and hold your breath.

A universe before a jar of sand. A creature now, this. A pink ribbon. A comb on the dresser.

Our ends justify our means. Every second we obey, we believe, to the edge of the falls.

365

Another year. A period of 365 struggles. Ups and downs, ladies and gentlemen. Another fight to stay afloat in the river of life. Congratulations on making it.


Child of the Universe
- Max Ehrmann, 1927 -

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.