I passed?!

I passed with a 4? I thought I was going to fail! I've never been so disappointed at actually getting a decent grade. Wow, I did an excellent job underestimating myself... how the heck did I pass with a 4? I was totally expecting to fail that shit and then suddenly I passed - not only passed, but with a mark I am happy with. Wow again. Thank you bell curve. Thank you M.V.M.

So now I just need a high mark in Eng Phys and Measurements and I'm all set. My GPA is pretty crap, I need to average it out so I don't have to reinstate. It's sitting at a 5 right now, so as long as I get higher than a 3 in the remaining courses, I'm set.

Wow.

How Fragile is the Heart?

People can be broken easily. Who's going to pick up the pieces after I fall apart?


'The linearity of life is becoming predictable', I wrote a long time ago. For me and some others, it's easy to see the web and pathways that are caused by your decisions, and the resulting long-term effects. It's the whole 'neutral eye' thing that I've got (being a total outcast and removed from society). So watching the ripples is something I can do, even though it's boring shit.

What a twisted web of lies we weave. Does anybody realize how many bad decisions they've made? I know I don't - I can name a few of my transgressions (corn flakes without milk!) but no way all of them. Even worse than the bad decisions are the ones we walk away from without confronting the issue at hand, like the typical, "Should I tell him/her how I feel?", or "Do I go over there and say hi?", which, if we choose to walk away, leave us with a feeling of 'what if?'.

How much can people take? I'm not 'normal', whatever that word might mean, but things are starting to break. Not to sound excessive, but I've been tempered by bad experiences, so my tolerance is reasonably higher than most. So what about the everyday 'average man'? How many waves does it take to erode a shoreline?

Things are starting to fall down, and I get older, I start to understand why people seem to grow so apathetic as they age. The constant beatings of bad decisions, and the footprints left as people trample over you, and all the haunting aches and pains from the past. How much can we take?

Friends

"I have no trouble with my enemies. But my goddamn friends... they are the ones that keep me walking the floors at night."

I worry way too much about all of you.