Yin and Yang

It feels so strange to be disconnected from my former self. I've 'remade' my life with the help of others, and so much has changed that I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore.

Introspectively, I think part of it has to do with growing up and getting considerably more mature, and taking a more reasonable outlook on life. Prior to this year, much of my life focused on the theme of despair and self-denial, which resulted in a clash between what I viewed as my moral obligations to help others, and my self-pitying loathing of my social standing. It's something every teenager has to endure, I think, to some extent - the conflicted struggle between despising the 'cool kids' and yet secretly wanting to be one of them. In my case, it was a counterintuitive battle between helping those in mental difficulties and at the same time, despising them for what they did to my life.

Wow, that was a mouthful.

In all seriousness, I think that lately, I've turned my philosophy away from that struggle between 'desire and derision', and more towards a maintenance of 'balance'. What I mean is that I'm willing to strike a compromise between following the rules and breaking them, in acting mature and childlike, and obeyance and denial of social standards. Yin and yang seem much more appealing as a unified philosophy, rather than picking one side and fighting the other. I've always believed in a balanced mentality, but I don't think I've ever considered it to be a driving force until now.

Hopefully, things work out. I'm more willing to take 'two sides' to an argument, and settle for compromises instead of drastic measures. I remember doing things that were 'extreme' in order to get results that were equally dramatic. Things have changed.

My Dog Looks Somewhat Like Another Dog

Why I am suddenly so depressed is beyond me.

I've eternally had a terribly optimistic view of relationships. Not to say that I'm not deeply and madly in love - but I doubt I've ever really realized the ridiculous amount of work that's required to maintain a healthy and meaningful relationship. And, on the side, an overdose of paranoia that keeps me awake at night. What if, what if, what if. I would relate that I sound much akin to a broken record, but I've always held the firm belief that broken records only make horrid static screeches, so a better analogy would be that I'm like a late-night DJ suffering a nervous twitch in his disc scratching arm.

I fear sometimes that I'm not brave or daring enough to be the blatant expression of excitement my darling love wishes me to be. It's so difficult sometimes to envision just exactly she would desire in a Immature Nerd With Various Mental Issues, and although I do tend to realize that she loves me for who I am - I'm not an idiot, after all, most of the time - but of my various moods, which does she like the most? After all, I am not merely a single individual with single moods, but a smorgasbord of templates, a buffet of personalities and possibilities, and like a catered dinner, custom-made to the limit approaching perfection.

This blog needs more pictures. I find myself increasingly unable to communicate without some sort of visual aid, but I can't really be bothered to search for or upload any. I'm not insulting your ability to read the written word, but rather, the dull and boring sensations that must come from viewing a blog devoid of standard colors. Maybe you could just envision images in your mind's eye and tell me what you're seeing. Maybe you can just pretend because I am too lazy. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

And, Jesus Christ, children nowadays are ridiculous.

Stop Yourself

I dare you to go one day without what you think you need, and devise an alternative.

Just to point out the fact that this blog isn't meant for you. This is my own corner of the web and what you read on here doesn't necessarily reflect how I will behave in my life away from the keyboard. You don't know me.

There's a reason why we behave certain ways - expectations, hormones, mental problems, outside stimuli. We don't dictate our choices - our environment influences our nature, and our nature influences our decisions.

Like with anything, it depends on our surroundings. In certain places, we behave in certain ways. I'm not the same at school and at home, and I don't act the same way with my family as I do with my friends. It's all situational.

At the end of the day, all you can really do is look back and ask yourself if it was worth it. Did you learn something new today? Did you explore? Did you enrich your life in some way shape or form?

Or did you waste the day? Maybe you spent it doing the same thing you do every day. Like Pinky and the Brain, do you do the same thing every night?

You only get one shot at life. There's nothing worse than going on vacation and spending the whole time on the computer, or stuck in your hotel room with the same people, then having to leave and saying, "I really wish I had spent more time doing new things." And the same goes for life.

There's no greater regret than wasting time, whether it's spending too much time on the internet, or watching TV, or even going to the same damn coffee shop every weekend. You can even spend too much time with the same people and never meet anyone new. There's a whole new world to explore out there, and don't let anything hold you back.

That's Night vs Day. The terminus where you start a new morning, and struggle between the sleeper and the dreamer, the thinker and the doer. You have forever. Go.